To demonstrate the wide-ranging applicability of Protocol Z, consider the following exchanges between medical professionals:
“Doctor, this patient appears to be a member of the undead, causing mayhem and feeding on the brains of the living.”
“Nurse, administer Protocol Z. That’ll clear that right up.”
“Right away, doctor.”
“Doctor, this patient appears to have a fever and the sniffles.”
“Nurse, administer Protocol Z. That’ll clear that right up.”
“Right away, doctor.”
“Doctor, this patient appears to be generally healthy, but says that his health insurance won’t cover this visit.”
“Nurse, administer Protocol Z. That’ll clear that right up.”
“Right away, doctor.”
In fact, we’d be hard-pressed to come up with a medical condition that can’t be snuffed out by Protocol Z. I’d even recommend using it at the office. Afraid that you won’t get that big raise? Protocol Z! Excessively chatty co-worker? Protocol Z! Afraid that someone else will nab the last donut? Protocol Z!
It’s cheaper than drugs, faster than exercise, and more beneficial to society than cosmetic surgery! Remember to ask for Protocol Z by name. At a theater near you.
Hi, all. Things are going pretty well out here in the land of ice and snow. This January has been about 15 degrees above average, so I think I would come out in favor of all this global warming stuff.
As fall was winding down, I decided to get rid of the dozens of miscellaneous paint cans that I had in the basement and the garage. Margaret was a big fan of the “oops” paint that Home Depot would sell for a dollar, and there were cans everywhere. I filled up the trunk of my car (end to end and two deep throughout - there must have been 40 or 50 cans of paint!), and drove them to the local hazardous waste disposal site. I’m now a big fan of the hazardous waste disposal site. It’s set up like a Goodwill donation site, where they drop stuff into bins, and deal with the bins later, all at once. Only there’s a bit more security than Goodwill; they take down your name and address, and all that. Out of the dozens of cans of paint Margaret left, I kept only one, which is a blindingly bright green that’s used in my kitchen. Everything else is now recycled. I also kept one can of mineral spirits, which I use to clean off my barbeque tools. If you’ve never used mineral spirits to clean your barbeque tools, you’re missing out.
A few months back, I’d mentioned Liz’s cat, Poohead. Well, she got a second cat to keep Poohead company. It turned out to be a good idea, and Poohead’s temperament magically changed from bratty to sweet. The new cat is named “Noodge”, which is a Yiddish word meaning pest. (It’s not pronounced “Nooj”, like Ted Nugent, but is more like “book” or “look”.)
Noodge is best described as a well-meaning dingbat. He really is a pest, so the name fits him well. For instance, consider the following scenario. Liz was napping on the couch, and Poohead was sleeping in the crook of her neck. It was very cute, so I took a picture with the digital camera. Seconds later, Noodge jumped on Liz to see what all the fuss was about, oblivious to the fact that Liz was sleeping. I should mention that Noodge is a fairly dense kitty. Oof! That’s Noodge.Late November – Thanksgiving at a friend’s house here in Minneapolis. Good friends, no family, and seven full dessert dishes for eight people. My favorite holiday, hands down. I also found out that I may be the only person on earth who likes spiced apple rings. They’re bright red, they taste vaguely like cinnamon, and they’re available in a jar. They also must have been present during my childhood, because there’s no other explanation why I am so fond of them. No one else likes them or had even heard of them.
Mid-December – I got to bring Liz to a professional hockey game. The Minnesota Wild played some other team, but I can’t remember which. (Can you tell how much I care about professional sports?) I really don’t care about the outcome, but I like being at the games. This one had everything – a fight, during which one player was knocked unconscious, a penalty shot, and a win in sudden death overtime. Good game! Liz’s favorite part was watching the medical procedures on the guy that was knocked out - a true nurse at heart!
Late December – My first Christmas with Liz’s extended family. They live in Ada, Minnesota, a tiny farm town about an hour northeast of Fargo, and about 4 or 5 hours from Minneapolis. There’s not much going on in Ada.
The holidays went very smoothly. Liz’s parents and her brother are all astoundingly good cooks, and the food was sensational. My cooking skills are limited at best, so I just helped clean up when I could. I also met most of Liz’s extended family, which also went quite well. I even got to visit Fargo, which was my first time ever in North Dakota. Whaddya know? It really does exist!
Mid-January – Originally, Liz and I had planned to wish my grandmother a happy 95th birthday in person. We bought tickets down to Florida, and everything looked fine, until Hurricane Wilma ruined my grandmother’s house a few months back. Grandma moved up to the DC area, and Liz and I decided to use our Florida tickets to go to Disney World instead.
That’s right. Three days and four nights in the Mouse House! After making a trip to the library to check out Birnbaum’s Walt Disney World Guide For People Without Kids, Liz and I were on our way.
We stayed in “All Star Movies”, one of the resorts on the grounds. Our room was decorated with a Herbie The Love Bug framed poster and Herbie wallpaper border, with hideous blue-green furniture and a wonderfully tacky comforter. The bathroom walls and shower curtain had blinding complementary dark blue and white star-shaped patterns. Tasteful? Not in the least. But spotlessly clean and very quiet. And who spends time in the rooms anyway?Staying on the grounds allowed us to get free “Fastpasses”, which let us bypass most of the lines on the crowded rides. There were buses that shuttled us from the hotel to the theme parks and back, all for free. On our very first shuttle ride, the woman driver was very polite and pronounced her words very carefully over the loudspeaker, which only emphasized her unfortunate mispronunciations of ask (“ax”) and studio (bafflingly, “stoo-dee-ay”. As in MGM Stoo-dee-ayz.)
Day 1: Epcot. 22 years ago, the last time I was there, it was “Epcot Center”. Now, just “Epcot”.
From memories of my last trip to Epcot in 1983, they used to have a very primitive computer system that let you design and simulate roller coasters. It had some basic physics smarts built in, and it wouldn’t let you do impossible things, like putting a giant loop as the very first thing in the ride. They also used to have a very primitive speech simulator - you type a word or sentence and it says it. We made it say “Science!” over and over. (Big Thomas Dolby fans we were…)
Needless to say, that’s all gone and replaced with new whiz-bang stuff. There’s a giant robot with multiple arms that plays different types of drums (“Rockin’ Robots”), which was pretty cool. The rest of the hi-tech toys were less enthralling to me, possibly because a lot of them used computers to do stuff and I’ve seen plenty of computers doing stuff, and probably because I’m not 15 anymore.
There were a handful of purely informational rides, where you get in a little boat or car that takes you from educational thingy to educational thingy. Some had some gentle ups-and-downs to them, and some went through darkness or very elaborate sets with animatronics. Those were pleasant enough, but I was at Disney World and I really wasn’t all that into being educated.
Liz and I were more into the thrill-type rides. And unlike a typical amusement park, these thrill rides had some absurdly elaborate setups, which attempted to somehow rope you and your brain into the Disney Fantasy Experience. For instance, the coolest ride at Epcot was Mission: SPACE, which was built around a huge “rocket” in which people are strapped into chairs, all arranged in a big circle and facing the center of the circle. You are on a mission to Mars, and as you blast off, you get squashed back against the chair with a simulated G-force. It would be a cool ride if that’s all there was to it, but there was much more. First, you stand in a particular place in “teams” and watch a video of Gary Sinise (actor from the 2003 film “Mission: Space”, which I’ve never heard of) telling you that you’re about to undergo flight training for a Mars landing. Or something to that effect. Then, you walk down a hall to another particular place where Mr. Sinise gives you instructions to push a particular button on a control panel when you’re told to. Because the mission depends on YOU. Then you strap yourself into the chair. Finally, a video of rocket launch plays in sych with the movements of the chair, so that you’re weightless or very, very heavy at exactly the right cue points. Provided that you push the button when told, of course, because the mission depends on YOU. A nice effect, and you stumble out of the ride knowing that Disney put a boatload of effort into creating a fantasy experience for you. Which, if you think about it, is the whole point of Disney World.
And you exit the ride directly into the ride’s gift shop, where you can buy pictures of yourself on the thrill ride, and dozens of T-shirts, hats, and endless souvenirs of your ride fantasy experience. We noticed quickly that nearly every ride exits into a gift shop; clearly, merchandising is the other important point of Disney World…
We noticed that many of the rides had very prominent sponsors. Hewlett-Packard, General Motors, Nestle, Kodak, and so forth. To me, it felt like many of the movies were just giant ads for Kodak. The rest rooms even had signs with specific directions on how to wash your hands. Those signs were sponsored by Brawny and Sparkle, and clearly read as such. I shouldn’t have been surprised at all the crass commercialism, but I was anyway. Yay, commercialism!
For food, we split a giant chocolate chip muffin for breakfast, and split an ice cream sandwich for lunch. When dinner rolled around, we decided to have a proper sit-down meal in the Moroccan restaurant at the World Showcase, since neither one of us knew anything about Morocco. During dinner, there was a live belly dancer in the restaurant, who looked disconcertingly like Lisa Kudrow in a black wig. Plus, each course in the meal, including dessert, featured some sort of puff pastry. I don’t know why.After dinner, we went to MGM Studios (that’s stoo-dee-ayz) for their “Extra Magic Hours” – a privilege for people staying at the resorts. Overall, MGM was horrible, but it did include the two coolest rides in all of Disney World.
We mistakenly started off in a ride called “Voyage of The Little Mermaid”, which turned out to be a puppet show set to music. Liz almost cried, and I had to comfort her and tell her that everything was going to be all right and the bad old puppet show was going to be over soon.
At this point the crowd was starting to thin out, since the mere mortals had to leave the park at 7, and we were allowed to stick around until 10. The lines got shorter and most of the little kids magically disappeared. We then discovered… “The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror”, a thoroughly thrilling throw-you-up-in-the-air-and-drop-you-repeatedly ride. The premise was that the elevator in a really old haunted hotel would take you to the Twilight Zone. Or something to that effect. Because much of the ride is spent waiting in line, they snake the line through a very convincing mock-up of an old hotel lobby and basement, complete with fake wires, pipes, and other miscellany that you’d find in an old hotel basement. As set design goes, it was excellent. And the ride itself, also excellent. I think that was my favorite ride in all of Disney World. We rode it three times.The other scream-worthy ride was the “Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith”. The premise: you have to get to the upcoming Aerosmith concert VERY QUICKLY in a super-stretch convertible. It’s a very good roller coaster in the dark, with blaring Aerosmith music, and some flashing lights and street signs thrown in for good measure. We also rode that one three times, until the park closed. On our last ride, we heard one of the workers ask, “Are we done?”, just as we entered the ride. Yes! It’s as if we cheated death itself by squeezing in one more ride before we all went home.
Then we were herded onto the bus back to the hotel, where we bought a little pizza at the food court and a little heart-shaped frosted Rice Krispies bar at the gift shop. Tired? You bet. And not just because we’re wimpy (because we’re not) – Liz wore her pedometer all day, and we racked up 10.2 miles over the course of the day! She covered it in 23,986 steps and burned off 980 calories just in the day’s walking. (My numbers would be off a little because my stride is longer, but the 10.2 miles would apply to me as well.) No wonder little kids get tired at these parks!
Day 2: The Magic Kingdom
The weather in Day 2 only partially cooperated. Unlike the gorgeous weather on Days 1 and 3, the high temperature on Day 2 was only about 60 degrees. That’s cold. And it got down to 42 at night, which is quite cold. We spent the day bundled up in pretty much all the clothing we’d packed.
The first ride we went on was Liz’s favorite (from her last visit at age 13) in all of the Magic Kingdom: Splash Mountain. A fun boat ride through animatronic animal hijinx, and a giant splash at the end. Since we got soaked, we just went on it again right away. It was 60 degrees and windy, and no one else was dumb enough to go on a water ride except us. My butt was wet until the sun went down. Plus, I lost my hat, which Liz had gotten for me personally during a previous trip to Mexico. Woops. I bought a Goofy hat later in the day, which I’m sure I’ll lose on a future vacation.We went on a few non-thrill rides, where you side in the car and it takes you through some animatronic hijinx or mayhem of some sort. Some were especially elaborate, like “The Haunted Mansion”. Boo. Some were taken directly from Disney movies, like “Peter Pan’s Flight”. Some even inspired Disney movies, like “Pirates of the Caribbean”.
One of my two favorite sit-gently-in-the-car rides was “Snow White’s Scary Adventures”, which condensed the entire story of Snow White to a three-minute ride. Virtually all of the animatronic scenes were especially dark and dour, with witches and sleeping for a thousand years and all that. The scenes themselves didn’t do very much, and the ride made up for that by running the cars especially fast and putting plenty of tight hairpin turns throughout. You got jerked from one dark scary scene to the next without absorbing anything, because you were moving too fast. Then, the very last scene was happy, with the Prince Charming and the birds chirping and all that, only to find yourself having to exit the car so the next people could get on. It felt like dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, HAPPY, done with the ride. The combination of the insane car speed and the Deus ex machina storytelling was especially jarring, and I enjoyed it immensely, even if for all the wrong reasons.
The other fantastic non-thrill ride was “It’s A Small World”, one of the original rides from when the park opened in 1971, and one which was originally built for the 1964-65 World’s Fair in New York. It’s been preserved immaculately in its original form, with fresh coats of paint and all that, and it’s a very clear snapshot of 1971 in all its hippy freak-out glory. The color scheme and wacky geometries looked like the parodies you see in Old Navy commercials, or maybe on the sets of Laugh-In or the Lawrence Welk Show. Impossible to describe, even more difficult to photograph. I took about 25 pictures on the digital camera, but none conveyed the brightly lit, jaw-dropping insanity of hundreds of potentially racist dolls, all moving their mouths in time to the endlessly repeating chorus of “It’s a small world after all/It’s a small world after all/It’s a small world after all/It’s a small, small world.” The song has real verses with real words, but they weren’t in the ride. It was just the chorus, over and over. We just assumed that the workers who tended to this ride were completely deaf. I loved it.
We had lunch at a futuristic, space-age burger place called Cosmic Ray’s. I hope that Cosmic Ray’s was one of the original 1971 restaurants, because there’s no other possible explanation for the menu. Each category (burger, sandwiches, soups) had three or four food items, plus an explicitly labeled “Kosher Selection” underneath, like a corned beef sandwich. This must have been considered progressive or radical back when the place opened, because the words “Kosher Selection” were larger and more prominent than the food selections themselves. Weird. We were unfortunate enough to get trainees, who were “earning their ears”. Outside the window where we sat, there was a stupid old man feeding the seagulls. We wanted to beat him senseless, but we figured that we’d get kicked out of the park. So we didn’t. But we wanted to.
We then went to Animal Kingdom, one of the other theme parks. It was late in the day and cold (on its way down to 42 degrees), and I was still damp from the water ride earlier in the day, so I vetoed the “Kali River Rapids”.
We sat through “It’s Tough To Be A Bug”, one of several 3-D movies that all had a great deal in common. You picked up 3-D glasses, you sat down in the theater, the movie would play (ooh! 3-D!), things would bump under your seat at the proper time during the movie, you’d invariably get sprayed with water at the proper time during the movie, you gave back your glasses, and you left the theater. There was one of these 3-D movies in each of the theme parks, and they were all pretty much interchangeable. At least, we hope it was water.
Then went back to Epcot to see the big fancy fireworks/lights display. We had two hours to kill, and Liz suggested that we do the “World Showcase” Challenge: one menu item from every country in the “World Showcase”! Pure genius! (Isn’t Liz the greatest?) We couldn’t find any good food, so we just ate a LOT of bad food! We then ate the following, all in two hours:
Mexico - a combination platter, with refried beans, chicken taco, beef burrito, and a chicken quesadillaNorway - a sweet, frosted pretzel with almonds, which was pleasant but tasted more like a danish than a pretzel
China - the worst fried rice in all of recorded history
Germany - a peanut butter fudge bar
Italy - two tiny strawberry truffle thingys
America - N/A; we had enough American crap food already
Japan - teriyaki chicken
Morocco - we passed, since we had a puff pastry at every course yesterday
France - a napoleon, which is a tasty, rectangular, layered pastry
United Kingdom - just chips, since we were too full for the fish
Canada - a maple lollipop in the shape of a moose head
Now, having just consumed 11 countries’ worth of food in less than two hours, and with only ten minutes to spare, I sprinted to Germany and bought Liz a souvenir glass slipper (a la Cinderella), and she sprinted to Japan and bought a few refrigerator magnets of the Cat Bus from “My Neighbor Totoro”, quite possibly the best animated kid film of all time. (From a random Totoro fan website: “Cat Bus is the transportation of choice for O Totoro. NekoBasu's got glowing eyes for headlights, rats for tail lights and furry seats that change size according to the passenger.” Miyazaki is awesome.)
Loot in hand and freezing our 42 degree butts off, we then watched the fireworks/light show. Just like the Magic Kingdom fireworks show that we’d later see on Day 3, the Epcot show had three songs in it – two pleasant instrumentals followed by a treacly dollop of schmaltz. It made my teeth hurt, but the visuals were cool.
Then back on the bus to the hotel (moo), and raided the hotel gift shop for other souvenirs. We found next year’s Halloween costume, amongst other stuff.
The total for Day 2: 11.85 miles, covered in 27,779 steps (for Liz; fewer steps for me).
Day 3: Started with the Animal Kingdom, since we got there too late yesterday to see most things.
The weather was much warmer than Day 2, so we went on the Kali River Rapids and got soaked. Twice.
Animal Kingdom had a few exhibits with what we believe to be actual animals, rather than fancy animatronics. There was the “Pangani Forest Exploration Trail” and the “Maharajah Jungle Trek”, where you stroll through the forest and see fish, birds, hippos, and tigers. Liz got some amazing pictures of the tigers. Even though they’re probably 100 yards away, the zoom on the camera makes it look like she’s right next to them. On one shot in particular, she was moving the camera, trying to follow the movement of the walking tiger, and it came out spectacularly.
We took a shortcut and walked through a show called “Tarzan Rocks!”. According to our map, “Join Tarzan and friends for this rockin’ live stage show filled with stunts performed by jungle gymnasts and in-line skaters.” Just for the record, Tarzan does not, in fact, rock.We had a deep-friend lunch and then went back to the Magic Kingdom for the rest of the day.
I was especially enamored with the section of the park called “Tomorrowland”, which was what the future was supposed to look like when the park opened in 1971. They still have the Peoplemover, only now it’s called “Tomorrowland Transit Authority”.“Space Mountain” was still there, thank goodness. There’s nothing quite like a roller coaster in the dark. What I didn’t realize the last time I was there is how much the interior of Space Mountain looks like the set of “2001: A Space Odyssey”. I’m sure that was no coincidence; the movie was a huge hit just three years before the park opened. I also didn’t realize how gentle the roller coaster was, compared to today’s monsters. I noticed that most of the movements on the ride were in circles; unlike today’s coasters with their giant ups and downs, the older rides emphasized the side-to-side movements, and would throw you from one side of your seat to the other.
The round and round aspect of the rides was even more apparent on “Astro Orbiter”, in which you’re put in a two-person car that’s suspended from above, then spun. (It’s the same idea as “Dumbo The Flying Elephant”, only in space.) You control how high or low your car is, but you’re still spun in a big circle. Even “It’s A Small World” goes around in a big circle. I don’t know the significance of all this - it’s just an observation.All in all, the most endearing rides were the original ones from 1971, like “Space Mountain” and “It’s A Small World”. Sure, the newer roller coasters were cool, but they’re just like the roller coasters at other amusement parks. You can find those anywhere. But I’m certain that there’s nothing on earth quite like the psychedelic trippy greatness of “It’s A Small World”. I was very relieved to see that most of those original rides were well preserved, and still look like they did 35 years ago.
And 35 years ago, there was no better dizzymaker than the “Mad Tea Party”, known to me as the teacup ride. It’s still there, and is still most excellent. Liz and I got some great pictures of each other as we rode on the teacup ride, taken amidst fits of laughter. So dizzy, so wonderful. And again with the spinning in circles!After the fireworks, on the way back to the hotel, we were surrounded by dozens of young teenage kids on a trip from Sao Paulo, Brazil. Actually, we must have seen four or five groups of Brazilian kids, all apparently on vacation. Must be a holiday down there. We ordered a whole pizza from the food court at the hotel, ate most of it in the room while watching some bad TV, and packed up most of our loot.
Totals for Day 3: 8.87 miles, covered in 20,804 steps and burning off 850 calories. Almost atoned for the pizza. Almost.
The next morning, we packed up our stuff, and I ate the remaining two pieces of pizza folded together as a sandwich as we walked the bags out to our car.
We then drove the hour from Orlando to Tampa (where our flights originated and departed), and went to my favoritest restaurant on the planet: a Cuban restaurant named “La Teresita”. We got there for a late lunch, and ordered a tremendous feast for about 12 bucks. I was so happy that Liz took my picture with the food. So much great food! And in such stark contrast to the three days of overpriced, bad food at Disney World! We ate until we felt ill.
To kill time in Tampa, we drove out to the beaches in St. Petersburg, and dangled our feet off a pier into the Gulf Of Mexico. Two days earlier, it was 42 degrees, and now it was in the mid-80s. Crazy! On the way back from St. Petersburg, I drove right past the other La Teresita! (I knew there were two, and I knew how to find one but not the other.) So we stopped, I ate some more, and took half my sandwich home on the plane. Soooooo good…
Our rental car was a Chevy Cobalt, the same little car that I’d rented in San Francisco. It’s tiny, and it looks like it’s supposed to compete with the Ford Focus even though I never see them on the road anywhere. At one point, Liz adjusted the visor to keep the sun out of her eyes. Moments later, the sun visor fell off and landed in her lap. Ah, Chevy. (Like I’ve said before, I can make fun of Chevrolet because I used to have a 1979 Chevy Caprice, an oil-burning gas hog with a bad two-tone paint job and a defective cooling system, which stranded me in more places than I can remember.)After we passed through security in the airport, we had about 40 minutes until our plane boarded. So Liz put on her pedometer, and we walked back and forth across the largely empty terminal. From one wall all the way down to the other and back. About 7 times. We walked for 40 minutes, and put on about 4,000 steps. If people are supposed to walk at least 10,000 steps per day, then pacing in the airport seems to be the way to go.
So looking back on my trip to Disney World, I’m left with impressions:
(1) The Disney Corporation is one tightly run organization. From the cleanliness of the hotel rooms and bathrooms to the uniformity in the over 6,000 places to spend money at the parks (that includes all the food vendors and gift shops), I didn’t see anybody slacking off.
(2) The Disney Corporation prefers uniformity and sterility to genuine creativity. How can so many restaurants in the theme parks all have the same bland menu choices? The same way that all the Disney movies in the last 15 years have been the same formulaic crap. “Aladdin” was fun, but that was 1992, and there hasn’t been anything genuinely creative ever since. This doesn’t include the Pixar movies, naturally, which are head and shoulders above anything else in the animated world, or even the live action world, for that matter. Since Pixar just got bought by Disney, let’s hope that Disney doesn’t bleed the creativity out of them.
(3) The Disney Corporation is superb at marketing. Every single thing I saw at Disney World “reinforced the brand”. From the ghastly Chicken Little tie-ins down to the mouse ears printed on the napkins, the House of Mouse is really good at getting you to buy stuff. For those of you with little kids, do you own all the Disney movies? There you go.(4) Mickey Mouse is a big slacker. I thought about it, and Mickey Mouse hasn’t been in a movie since Fantasia, which was in 1940. He’s been resting on his laurels for 66 years. What a slacker.
And that was our trip to Disney World. Two days later, I had a business trip to Orange County, California (south of LA), and saw an ad on the local news for Disneyland, which was celebrating its 50th birthday. I didn’t go. But in the Orange County airport, I did see a honeymooning couple wearing the characteristic mouse ear hats - his had a top hat, hers had a veil. Very nice.
Late January (January 25th, to be precise) – My friends, Jenny and Graham, invited me over to celebrate Burns Night, a fine Scottish tradition that I’d never heard of. Graham is from the UK, and is well aware of my fascination for odd food (Kaboom cereal, Totino’s Party Pizzas, Little Debbie Snack Cakes, nukey burritos...), and was kind enough to invite me over for a celebration that involves… haggis.
Robert Burns was a Scottish poet in the late 1700s, and Burns Night is his birthday. It’s usually marked by a ceremonial reading of one of his poems, “To A Haggis”, written in 1786 and timely as ever, and then the eating of a haggis. The poem is fairly hilarious, describing the “gushing entrails” of the haggis, and how the haggis will prepare ye well for cutting off the “legs an’ arms an’ hands” of your enemies. Spectacular. And exactly the qualities I desire from food.
We started with some spiced anchovy relish, spread on heavily buttered toast. I should point out that nearly everything in existence is edible if you add enough butter. This stuff is billed as “The Gentleman’s Relish”, and it’s nice to know that we now fit in with the upper crust in the relish world. I don’t think that the relish is part of the traditional celebration, but it fit nicely as an insanely salty appetizer. They smuggled it illegally into the country from England.
They also smuggled the haggis into the country in their luggage. They were describing their flight back from the UK, and how just ahead of them in the check-in line there were several huntsmen with a large array of guns, properly checking their firearms with their baggage. Watching all this, Jenny and Graham weren’t too worried about the sealed and frozen food items in their bags.
Now exactly what is haggis? It was considered peasant food in Scotland a few hundred years ago, so it was developed with economy in mind, and was a way of cooking some of the less desirable parts of a sheep. More specifically, it was some of the organ meats of a sheep, ground up with some oatmeal, then sealed inside the sheep’s stomach and baked until edible. I guess it makes sense: Why not put stuff inside a sheep’s stomach? That’s what the sheep does. The way I see it, you’re inverting the sheep, literally turning the sheep inside out, by putting the organs that are usually outside the stomach on the inside.
I should point out one very important misconception, which explains why people still eat haggis: They do not eat the sheep’s stomach itself, just the contents. Graham informs me that no one in his right mind would eat the sheep’s stomach; it would be akin to eating a nukey burrito without first taking it out of the plastic wrap. A-ha! This makes a little more sense now.After the Gentleman’s Relish, Graham brought out the haggis, still piping hot from the oven, and read Burns’s poem. It was a little smaller than a softball, and would serve about four people. Upon reaching the line about the gushing entrails, Graham stabbed the haggis, and indeed its entrails gushed. Much rejoicing. Then, we dished out portions to eat.
The haggis portion that actually ends up on your plate looks and tastes a lot like a wild rice and ground beef hot dish. It’s customarily served with a side of mashed potatoes and a side of rutabaga, both of which resemble each other and provide a nice, starchy contrast to the haggis. Graham’s family adds a few strips of bacon as a side dish, which always helps. (Bacon makes it better.)
As a meal, I actually liked it. And not just because we were drinking twelve year old Scotch with it. I truly thought it was quite tasty, even after they showed me the list of ingredients, which detailed exactly which unfortunate parts of the sheep they used.As you might imagine, discussion turned to the worst foods that all of us had ever had. My vote went to lutefisk, a horrendous Norwegian fish dish that requires the use of lye (yes, lye) in its preparation. You can only choke it down because it’s drowned in butter, but there’s not enough butter in the world to make it taste good. Jenny grew up in North Dakota, and was subjected to many a church lutefisk dinner growing up, and she contended that there was one thing even worse than lutefisk: sea urchin. Everything about it is offensive - the texture, the taste, the odor. You name it, it’s disgusting. They had it once at a sushi place, and they suspect that the sushi chef was having a little fun with them, just to see the reactions of the silly white people. Raw sea urchin is apparently worse than lutefisk, and I am not in a hurry to try it.
The Crap From The Past website got a rather severe facelift about a month ago. Instead of trying to have the most up-to-date-looking design, I decided to go for a look that would have been appropriate for when the show started in 1992. Do you want to know what a “quit” page does on a website? You’ll have to visit www.crapfromthepast.com. I am especially pleased with my own handiwork.Hope all of you are well. Take care!
Ron (and Liz, too)
