Tuesday, September 19, 2000

Ron's Big Life Update - September 2000

(Yes, this is a mass e-mailing, but I think it's excusable because I know all of you and I'm not cutting and pasting anyone else's words. If you really hate these things, let me know and I'll run you through the e-shredder.)

Well, howdy! Summer ends with a thud here in Minnesota, and the transition between hot and not hot is usually a sad affair, where we see if any of last year's long sleeve shirts still fit. Fooey. At least I'll still be able to walk to work for another month or so, until it gets down around freezing in the mornings (THAT's unpleasant...)

So the big talk around town is (naturally) the amazing colossal Crap From The Past website:
  • crapfromthepast.com
At last writing it was just a dummy page, but now it kicks royal booty, including a detailed history of the show, playlists for the last eight years, and about fifteen hours of audio clips, songs, sound bites, and old show excerpts. It's HUGE! (And there's not a single scanned image to be found on the entire site, which is largely because I don't have a scanner.) Plus you can listen to the show online at any time, which is certainly better than waiting up late on Sunday nights to hear it live. To say that I'm pleased with how the site turned out would be a bit of an understatement, since I think it's best thing to happen to mankind since the electric toaster (admit it - we all like a little toast with our radio shows...) That number again... crapfromthepast.com. You don't need a credit card handy and operators are not standing by. (No banner ads either. I hate those.) Plus, you should change my email address to ron@crapfromthepast.com, which is way cooler than the one I have at work.

Since the goal is to have as many irons in the fire as possible, I have a bunch of extracurricular music projects in the works. The coolest one is at the local branch of Life Time Fitness, where I'll be DJing a step aerobics class next Wednesday. This will be a trial run for both me and the instructor, and if all parties are agreeable, it may turn into a weekly thing. The class is right after work on Wednesdays and is less than a mile from work, which is 5 minutes from the house - easy. For you DJ types, the step aerobics class is 150 BPM for 15 minutes, then 128 BPM for the next 45 minutes. Any music is good as long as it's beat-mixed and has a predictable whomp to it. This is pretty much a dream gig for a DJ - it's the same mixing that you'd do in a club, but the music isn't quite so loud, you don't smell like smoke afterwards, you don't have to deal with drunks, it's at a reasonable hour, and everyone dances to every song you play. Plus the scenery's not bad... I'll keep you posted...

The band stuff is going well. Thinland rox! We regrouped and reorganized a bit, so we're now guitar, bass, drums, and a cello. The cellist is really good, and he fills out the sound like a keyboard would. The band has already had two gigs, neither of which I played in; there was a coffee house about a month ago that was too small to fit drums in, and there was a block party this past weekend that I couldn't attend because I was DJing a wedding (the wedding was about an hour southwest of the Twin Cities in tiny Le Seuer, Minnesota, home of Green Giant veggies!). But now, Thinland has a real gig that I'll be able to play at - for those of you in the Twin Cities:

Thinland
Thursday, October 19, 8:00 PM

at Eclipse Records
an independent record store and performance space
St. Paul, MN

It's not Wimbley Stadium, but it's a start.

In other news, we found out that Margaret is allergic to bee stings. About two weeks ago, she got stung by a bee and we had to rush her to the emergency room. (Again! She takes the lead in emergency room visits this year - 2 to 1. I can't let her win, and I have to have at least one trip to the emergency room to tie... where's Dennis Miller with the obtuse commentary when you need him?) They gave her four prescriptions for ten days each - that's more drugs than they gave her for her gall bladder surgery! Plus they said that the next bee sting could be worse: it's not like your body builds up an immunity to them, and each subsquent sting produces a more drastic reaction. E-gad! So we don't like bees anymore.

That's the big excitement out here, unless you count the elections (and since Jesse's not up for re-election yet, nothing of significance is happening.) Hope all is well in not-Minnesota...

Take care, and be sure to check out crapfromthepast.com!

Ron "Who needs Napster when you've got Crapster" G

Friday, June 2, 2000

Ron's Big Life Update - June 2000

"Please don't eat the urinal cakes." - a little sticker in the men's room at the Oak Street Theater, Minneapolis

Hi, all. I know I've been fairly e-silent for the past few months, and I'll just assume that those have been the happiest months of your lives. This is just an e-howdy to let you know what's been going on with Margaret and me.

In March, I got sick. Not just a little-cold sick, but an I-gotta-go-see-a-doctor sick. I hadn't been that sick since my sophomore year of college (anyone remember The Plague from 1988?) The final diagnosis: I tested positive for mono (mono?!? Where on earth did I get mono? I haven't been a college student in years!), along with a mild case of pneumonia and sinusitis (a big sinus infection). I hadn't known that pneumonia shows up on a chest x-ray, but there it was, making my lung things look all fuzzy. They gave me some all-powerful antibiotics, and I started the long trudge down the dirt road to recovery. I spent most of March and quite a bit of April coughing, and I lost 8 pounds. Needless to say, I was a joy to be around.

And yet, I didn't miss a full day of work at all. I put in about a month of partial-days, where my goal was to show up just in time for lunch. Once I got to work I was fine, but the first two hours of the day were killers. Plus, one day after I saw the doctor, I did my radio show - we were in the middle of our fundraising pledge drive, and you can't miss those. I'm pretty sure I got a few sympathy calls, and my personal goal was to be the sickest DJ ever. (I believe I achieved that goal. Life is good.)

So that was March and April. Margaret coughed a bit, but didn't get as sick as I was. I think it was sympathy-coughing, like when the husband puts on the same amount of weight as his pregnant wife. Once I recovered, I started walking to work again. All is well again.

Somewhere in April, I was recruited to be the drummer for the local band Thinland. All these years spent wanting to be a drummer, then all these years with a drum set gathering dust in the basement, and now... the drums are in Jeff's basement, and we rehearse Monday nights. Thinland is a rock band, and we'll be playing a bunch of self-written pop tunes. The two guitarists have written a bunch of songs over the years, and we have more than enough material to keep us busy. The goal is to be able to play 10 songs on stage, and play a gig as the opening act for some other local band by the end of the summer. None of us plan on getting rich or famous; we have realistic expectations, and we just like playing. Life is good indeed.

The radio show bounces along nicely. There have been quite a few people who found some particular obscure song on my playlists (posted at kfai.org), and asked for a copy. I know how hard it is to find some of these songs, so I'm more than happy to send out a copy of "Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot" or "The Super Bowl Shuffle". (Trust me - they're obscure.) Well, I thought I would rummage around for some songs that I've been looking for, and I noticed that Dr. Demento played one of them about a year ago. I sent off a nice e-note explaining who I was and asking for a copy of The Extras' "Circular Impression". (Again - mighty obscure.) He made a copy for me, and we've sent a few CDs back and forth. He's a bigger music fanatic than I am, and I am duly impressed. Turns out, he grew up in Minneapolis! Who knew? So I made another friend in the music biz, and yet I still toil in obscurity. Seems fair.

Well, I finally cracked and bought the name "crapfromthepast.com". I just got the name last week, and right now it's just a dummy page. I have a friend working on a little web site, and within a month or so, there should be a more impressive dummy page.

We've been attempting a regular poker game out here. As the night wears on and we get a little punchy, we've been inventing games. Some of the better games have been Birthday Poker (your birth month is wild for you), Numerology Poker (add up the digits of your up cards, and that's wild for you), and Prime Poker (all prime numbers are wild). I take great pride in my favorite new game: Bruce Willis Poker (all Bruce Willis Movie numbers are wild: Die Hard 2, Die Hard 3, 4 Rooms, The Fifth Element, The Sixth Sense, The Whole 9 Yards, and 12 Monkeys. That means 2s, 3s, 4s, 5s, 6s, 9s, and Queens are wild!) We've been trying to come up with a way to incorporate dice into the actual games, but haven't thought of anything more creative than rolling a die, and whatever number comes up is wild. Bruce Willis Poker, yet I still toil in obscurity...

For Memorial Day, we went to a barbecue with meat from five different animals. I inadvertently ate half a pan of brownies on top of that, and I felt pretty gruesome afterwards. Isn't that what Memorial Day is all about?

So we've got a bit of travel coming up soon. We got invited to two weddings in NY/NJ, nine days apart, so we'll be spending some time in the Eastern time zone. Here's our sketchy itinerary:
  • Thurs, June 15 - fly into NY
  • Fri, June 16 - wedding in NJ
  • Sat, June 17 - drive down to Washington DC to see family and many museums (Margaret's never seen the art museums, and I think she may just go bezerk...)
  • One of the days 6/19 6/20 or 6/21 - We have tickets to see Aimee Mann and Michael Penn in Virginia. I forget which day.
  • Fri, June 23 - I have a dentist appointment to get my teeth cleaned. Dr. Wolff rules!
  • Sun, June 25 - wedding in NY
  • Mon, June 26 - fly back to Minneapolis
So there's quite a bit of unclaimed time in there, and we haven't ironed out the details yet. I'm sure I'll hit Manhattan, but I haven't figured out which day yet. Details to follow.

I will leave you with one final story. One of the big electronics retailers out here, Best Buy, is relocating its headquarters from one of the western suburbs to a neighborhood a few blocks from our house. In the process, they'll be buying out the houses and businesses on the land, then flattening it and starting over. That's not necessarily a bad thing, since our little suburb of Richfield will be making lots of money in property taxes. Anyway, the whole process of buying out property reminded one of my poker buddies of a little story...

My friend Tom used to work at the big IBM site in Tucson. IBM was buying out some of the local homeowners in order to expand the campus, and the process was going smoothly until they came across one particular homeowner that wouldn't sell. His property was valued at about $25,000, and he asked IBM for $400,000. He figured that IBM had to pay him the money, because he wouldn't sell otherwise and IBM would be left with a house in the middle of its campus. IBM said no - too much money. Then the guy tried a new tactic - he started carting in junk onto his property. Old refrigerators, dead cars, big ugly metal things. He figured that IBM wouldn't want an eyesore like that on its campus, and would have to pony up the big money and buy him out. Well, not only did IBM say no again, but they built an enormous hill around his house and built him his own access road. IBM's problem solved: no more eyesore, and at a cost significantly less than $400,000. The last Tom heard, the guy is still stuck in the house with all the junk on the property, because his property value has gone down from the original $25,000 and (oddly enough) he can't find any buyers for the property. There's a moral in there somewhere...

My lone movie review: Gladiator was fair. If given the choice, I'd rent The Insider again instead.

Hope all is well in your respective necks of the woods. And for your July 4th barbecues, remember that you're at the top of the food chain, and it's important to eat as many different animals as possible. (I will now wait for a crazed PETA representative to throw a pie at me...)

Ron & Margaret

Monday, February 28, 2000

Ron's Big Life Update - February 2000

"I've seen the future, and it's a short bald man from New York." - Albert Brooks, from the movie Lost In America.

"Worst episode ever." - The Simpsons.

So I did my radio show last night, as I do every Sunday night from midnight - 2AM, and as I stepped outside, I was greeted by smoke and a whole lot of flashing lights. I think my reaction was fairly normal: I thought, "Holy crap!" Once I saw that the smoke wasn't coming from the KFAI building, I threw my pile o' CDs in the trunk of my car and played spectator. As fate would have it, a 4-story building about two blocks south of the radio station caught fire somehow (I don't know how yet), and it was mesmerizing to watch. I counted eight trucks on the scene, and at least that many police cars, and they blocked traffic for about three blocks in all directions. Fortunately, there wasn't much traffic at 2 in the morning, and I was able to wander around freely without getting in anyone's way. I haven't seen it on the news yet, but I'm told that it was a 4-alarm blaze, and the building was reduced to some charred outer brick walls once all was said and done. No injuries, thank goodness. The building was undergoing (or was about to undergo) renovations, and was unoccupied at the time. I watched for about an hour, then headed off home. There were little ash bits all over my car, and a few in my hair. My jacket still smelled like smoke this morning. As a souvenir, I saved some little charred bits of stuff that I found a few blocks away - about the size of a softball, and about the consistency of some really light styrofoam. I brought one back to the radio station, and I saved two or three for my garage. Such excitement! (I got into bed at 4, and I was pretty worthless today.)

Work has been going pretty well. Last week, Seagate sent me out to Tucson to do some recruiting at a U of A career fair, so I stood in a tent with a few other Seagate engineers, and we collected resumes from about 400 students. We were outside in short sleeves all day; I'd forgotten how nice Tucson is in the winter. The trip was pretty rushed, and I didn't get a chance to see most of the people I still know in Tucson. Not to worry, though, because Margaret and I will both be out in Tucson this week, and I'll be doing some one-on-one interviewing at the U of A. (Tucson people: I'll be out there March 1-5, and I'll be calling once I'm in town.)

Actually, the weather out here in Minneapolis has been ridiculously mild. We lost all our snow cover, and we're back to looking at bare dead grass! It's been up in the 50's! In February! In Minneapolis! This is wrong on so many levels... But you won't hear a single complaint from me...

I mentioned a few months ago that I'd been walking to work. As you might imagine, I put the whole walking-to-work experience on hold at the beginning of December once the temperatures dipped below freezing. I'll start walking again once the ground thaws, probably in April. It would be a soggy mess trying to walk to work now.

How were your collective New Years parties? We were very happy to spend New Years Eve at some friends' house. They have a huge TV, plus cable AND a satellite system! Woo-hoo! I know that I will be perfectly content if I never hear the words "millennium" or "Y2K" ever again. There was some buffoon out here who spent $20,000 in Y2K preparations - he had his basement totally stock with canned goods and a generator. He looked even more stupid when they interviewed him for the local news - he claimed that the real danger would be the February 29th bug, and he was most certainly ready for it. Hope he enjoys his 200 cans of tuna...

Naturally, Y2K at Seagate was a big non-event. We had one teeny little glitch in a piece of software, though. I got an automatic response from one of the ordering systems that said the parts that I ordered would arrive on Dec 21st, 1899. Good to know.

And a rule of thumb that I discovered: Nothing brightens your day more than wandering by a conference room after a catered lunch has been there, and discovering some leftover pizza. Mmmm... leftover pizza... I've even given it its own acronym: POQA (Pizza Of Questionable Age). On the employee perks scale, it's only outranked by DOQA (Donuts Of Questionable Age)

Carlos Santana won 8 Grammys? Well, I say good for him. And thank heavens that the Backstreet Boys didn't win everything...

I've seen a few movies in the theaters recently, and I have my opinions (surprise?). "Being John Malkovich" was far and away the most original movie of the year, and I'll be mad if Spike Jonze doesn't get the Oscar for Best Director. (I'll be even madder if "Star Wars" wins anything...) "Dogma" was fair. "Fight Club" was atrocious. I think that's all I've seen lately; the studios usually haul out the trash around Oscar season, so I'll have to wait awhile before anything worthwhile shows up.

Margaret and I had a great idea for a carnival booth. Undoubtedly, you've heard of Whack-A-Mole. Well, we propose: Stomp-A-Pomeranian. You put on a pair of hip-high stompin'-boots, and for thirty seconds you get to stomp away in a cage full of little yippy-dog Pomeranians. I told this to a friend of mine, who proposed a different carnival booth: walk-up psychiatric evaluations, along the same lines as guess-your-weight. If our Carnie mis-diagnoses your ills, you win a free stuffed animal (or a flat one from the Stomp-A-Pomeranian booth...)

I have a title, now I just need a song to flesh it out: "Drooling Banjos"

This week, "Crap Fron The Past" celebrates its 1-year anniversary in it present time slot, with the admittedly absurd "all-beverage" show. You'll hear "Brandy (You're A Fine Girl)", "Go For Soda", "Tequila", "Red Red Wine", and dozens of others, plus songs by Hot Chocolate, Evelyn "Champagne" King, Oran "Juice" Jones, and the Gin Blossoms. That's this Sunday night at midnight (10 PM on the west coast) on KFAI-FM in the Twin Cities, and live in RealAudio at kfai.org on the Big Bad Web.

Oh, I almost forgot - the highlight of the New Millennium! (Doh! I hate that word!) There's a book that's come out recently about the show American Top 40 with Casey Kasem. A book about my idol! I had a tiny contribution to the book, and I'd talked to the author on the phone about two years ago. I would have been ecstatic just to see my name in print in the acknowledgments list, but to have it appear right before DEBBIE GIBSON is quite possibly the GREATEST HONOR OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I am genuinely overjoyed to appear on a printed list with Ms. G, and to appear back-to-back with her makes my less than lucrative radio career completely worthwhile. (No irony here - I'm actually thrilled beyond belief.) If you're gonna hunt the book down, it's called "American Top 40 - Countdown of The Century", by Rob Durkee. (He's a former statistician for AT40.)

Life is good, indeed.

Hope all is well in your respective necks of the woods. Keep your feet on the stars, and keep reaching for the ground...

Ron "a little dog named Snuggles" Gerber

Tuesday, December 7, 1999

Ron's Big Life Update - December 1999

Hi, all. Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas and all that.

I recently survived the last installment of a horrendous training course that wasted 80 hours of my time. (6 Sigma management. Joy.) In fact, the last two hours were so dull that I ended up doodling on Microsoft Excel on the laptop computer on my desk. I actually learned something from the Excel doodling: the probabilities that go along with the board game Risk. If you've never played Risk, don't bother reading the rest of this message.

For years, I've wondered what the odds are when you roll the dice. You can attack with 1, 2, or 3 dice, and defend with 1 or 2 dice. It turns out, the probabilities are as follows:

Attack with 3, defend with 2:
  • Offense wins both: 2890/7776 (37.2%)
  • Offense and defense win one each: 2611/7776 (33.6%)
  • Defense wins both: 2275/7776 (29.3%)
Attack with 3, defend with 1:
  • Offense wins: 855/1296 (66.0%)
  • Defense wins: 441/1296 (34.0%)
Attack with 2, defend with 2:
  • Offense wins both: 295/1296 (22.8%)
  • Offense and defense win one each: 420/1296 (32.4%)
  • Defense wins both: 581/1296 (44.8%)
Attack with 2, defend with 1:
  • Offense wins: 125/216 (57.9%)
  • Defense wins: 91/216 (42.1%)
Attack with 1, defend with 2:
  • Offense wins: 161/216 (74.5%)
  • Defense wins: 55/216 (25.5%)
Attack with 1, defend with 1:
  • Offense wins: 5/12 (41.7%)
  • Defense wins: 7/12 (58.3%)
I then thought about what other weird modifications we made to Risk, and I calculated what the probability would be if we used 20-sided dice:

Attack with 3, defend with 2:
  • Offense wins both: 46%
  • Offense and defense win one each: 31%
  • Defense wins both: 22%
When you have more sides on the dice, you get fewer ties when you roll them (and the tie goes to the defense). If anyone cares what happens when we use infinite-sided dice (although those are kinda expensive):

Attack with 3, defend with 2:
  • Offense wins both: 50%
  • Offense and defense win one each: 30%
  • Defense wins both: 20%
I thought about running the cases of more dice (attack with 16, etc.), but the class ended.

The bottom line: If your pile of armies is attacking another pile of armies, and you keep rolling 3 vs. 2, the offense wins 54% of the time, and the defense wins 46%. It's better to be the *offense*.

This is what I learned from 6 Sigma training.

Ron

Monday, November 15, 1999

Ron's Big Life Update - November 1999

Hi, everybody.com

I just read an article in our local paper describing the backlash against dot-com internet companies. It was bound to happen, considering the absurd number of startup companies all competing for advertising space on your TV. The local paper gave examples of pets.com, petsmart.com, and petopia.com. My response has been - oh please, do you really think I'm going to order cat food over the internet? Maybe I'm in the minority, but I see shopping over the internet as just a glorified way of ordering something over the phone or through a catalog. Nothing new here, and I seriously doubt that any "revolution" will take place in the way people buy stuff. Plus, I hear that sales of MP3 players are way below expectations, so the audio world may be safe for a little while longer. Oh well - glad I'm not betting the farm on internet stuff.

How about ItsyBitsyTeenyWeenyYellowPolka.com?

Things have been pretty upbeat in GerberLand for the last few weeks. We had a pretty respectable Halloween party, despite the fact that nearly none of my lame co-workers showed up. It was grownups only, so only the cool people showed. Margaret glued some beef jerky to a transparent plastic mask, and went as a facial peel gone sadly wrong. I wore my leisure suit (thanks, Larry), and I looked fi-i-i-ine. We had another couple show up as Spy Vs. Spy, with one in black and the other in white, and three ladies show up as Charlie's Angels, complete with little plastic guns and handcuffs. Way cool.

Margaret and I finally got the chance to visit Grandma in Fort Lauderdale, so we spent three days in Florida at the beginning of November. I hadn't been down there in something like 14 years, and found it a little disconcerting that parts of it looked exactly the same, while other parts had been built up to the point of being unrecognizable. Overall, a wonderful three days with Grandma. We rented a car and drove all over town, including the art deco beaches in Miami, and a trip into the Everglades. (Well, not INTO the Everglades, or we would have sunk to the bottom.) While we were driving on one of the side roads in the heart of the Everglades, we passed a pig that was happily wandering around on the road. There was a pickup truck stopped about 100 feet past the pig, and apparently, the pig had escaped from the truck. Very entertaining, and not something I'd see every day. In case you're wondering, parts of downtown Miami look just like Nogales, the border town near Tucson, only built up a little more.

In the music world, the Crap From The Past empire seems to be expanding. The deal with KOWZ fell through (no moo), which was fine because it would have been quite a bit of non-gratifying work for no pay. I found a new station in town, and they're a tiny little AM station that's geared toward the southwestern suburbs of the Twin Cities. Boy, that's specific! But it's got a great local feel to it, and it doesn't have the typical stench of being part of a corporate entertainment giant. If all goes as planned, I'll be starting up a second show on this little station, which will air Saturdays 11-1 in the afternoon. Nice time slot! I wasn't allowed to run Crap From The Past on two stations in town, so I'll be calling the new show "The Pop Machine", complete with soda can sound effects. (I know it wouldn't work in New York City, where soda is called "soda", not "pop".) And now, both of my stations are streaming live in RealAudio, so if you've got nothing better to do, you can check out my far-reaching Crap Empire:

Crap From The Past, Sunday nights at midnight, kfai.org
The Pop Machine, Saturday afternoons at 11, ksmm.org (starting soon; it's a fun little station even without me, and it's worth tuning in just for their regular programming)

In other music news, the '80s pop band ABC came to town. (The Look Of Love, Poison Arrow, Be Near Me, How To Be A Millionaire, When Smokey Sings...) They played First Avenue, which is a very cool Minneapolis club (it's where they filmed the concert scenes in Purple Rain). Actually, the band is down to Martin Fry and some really tight backup musicians. They were surprisingly good, considering that one wouldn't expect much from a synth-based dance band. Martin's pipes sounded great after all these years, and he's as well-dressed as ever. He played most of the show in a turquoise suit, then switched to a sparkly mirror suit for the encores. I grabbed one of the set lists, and got my "Look Of Love" 45 from Spain autographed. Yippy-a-yay, indeed. Their last Minneapolis show was 17 years ago in '82, and I hope they come back before 2016.

Criswell predicts...

Cars initially all had rear-wheel drive, then over the course of evolution, they all migrated to front-wheel drive. Well, up until now cars have all had front-wheel-steering. I predict that cars will soon evolve to rear-wheel steering, so that drivers can get that uncomfortable little-red-wagon-about-to-overturn feeling all the time.

Margaret and I perpetually joke about how engineers dress. She always gets a kick out of seeing that little white triangle, where the button-down shirt shows off the white crew-neck T-shirt underneath. I call it the "Triangle Of Power". (I'm proud to say that I don't own any white crew-neck T-shirts. I'd go the whole winter in short sleeves, like I used to do in school, if it didn't get so @#$%^&* cold!)

Work has been going well. I got a new job at the beginning of October, and it's in a different building than my old job. The new building is 1.5 miles from my house, so I've been walking to work! It's about 20-25 minutes each way, and I love it. I got myself a good pair of respectable-looking walking shoes, and I've put about 100 miles on them. (Just an estimate; there's no odometer.) Unfortunately, I may have to curtail my walking once it snows, but we haven't had any of the white stuff yet. Actually, we had two days of record highs last week, including one day where it hit 77 degrees. In November! In Minneapolis! Woo-hoo! It won't last; I may get a snowblower this year.

We saw a boatload of good movies lately, all of which we can wholeheartedly recommend: Three Kings, American Beauty, Run Lola Run, The Iron Giant, and Princess [Japanese name here; I forgot what the real title is]. The new James Bond film looks just like "Blow'd Up", the movie parody from one of those dot-com ads. We won't be rushing out to see it.

We just had our trees trimmed, but there's not a whole lot to report about that. I guess you wouldn't want to hear about replacing the doorknob on our garage, either.

Our Christmas holidays are in Yuma again (Colorado - three hours east of Denver, near the borders of Kansas and Nebreska). Oy vey! At least it's only a week. We'll be back here before the new year, so we can watch all the planes fall out of the sky at midnight...

So have a happy collective Thanksgiving, and stay warm.

Ron.crap and Margaret.com

Thursday, September 9, 1999

Ron's big Life Update - September 1999

"No other object has been misidentified more often than the planet Venus." - Minnesota's Governor Jesse Ventura, appearing in a walk-in part on the X-Files (!) from about two years ago. Oddly enough, his appearance on the X-Files has gotten no press whatsoever, and the first I'd heard of it was seeing his name on the opening credits. For those of you playing at home, he played one of the menacing Men In Black on the "Jose Chung's From Outer Space" episode, the other Man In Black being Alex Trebek.

So what's going on in the Land Of Ice And Snow? Well, I got a new job. Our department at Seagate (the Optical Storage Group) finally got the plug pulled, and we all got canned in mid-August. We've been expecting this for about six months, and it's been a trying six months at that. My new job is still at Seagate, only I've totally ditched my optics background in favor of "Computational Fluid Dynamics." I will be an air-bearing designer for disk drives. (What's an air-bearing? Think of knock-hockey, where the puck and paddles float on a cushon of air. In a disk drive, the tiny head has to fly a certain distance above the disk surface as the disk spins. The bottom surface of the head has a structure built into it that allows it to fly at a constant height.) Cool, eh? So now you know as much as I do about my new job. The paperwork isn't ironed out yet, and my start date won't be for another week or two. So no more optics. Oh well. My e-mail will stay the same, but I'll be getting new phone and fax numbers.

I did look for other optics jobs in the Twin Cities, but I couldn't find any that looked interesting. I decided that I like Minneapolis more than I like optics, so now I don't have to sell my house and move. Actually, the whole experience has been a really positive one - if I were to knock on 3M's door and ask for a job in a totally unrelated field, I'd get laughed at and turned away. Here, I get to stay in the same company, I get free training in a totally new field (so I don't have to go back to school for yet another degree), and I don't have to move. Pretty keen, if you ask me.

That's been the major event of the summer. There was also the Minnesota State Fair, which featured upside-down rides, animals (including llamas!), and food-on-a-stick. The food-on-a-stick concept was alien to me, but it's a true Minnesota tradition. We have a pork-chop-on-a-stick vendor that does quite well, and rumor has it that there's even a deep-fried-candy-bar-on-a-stick-booth. (I think that may have been a hoax, though.) You can also buy deep-fried cheese curds, but I don't like those for two reasons: (1) they don't come on a stick, and (2) they're disgusting.

We saw a whole slew of movies this summer, the best of which is "Bowfinger". It's similar to "Ed Wood", and it makes you giggle start-to-finish. Other worthwhile flicks: "South Park" was rude but hilarious (it's a musical!), "The Sixth Sense" was thoughtful, "Austin Powers 2" was exactly what you'd expect, and "The Blair Witch Project" was nice-n-scary. I won't even mention the bad movies, the worst of which is "Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace". Without a doubt, it's the worst movie I've seen since "Krull". "Eyes Wide Shut" wasn't too good, either.

The radio thing has been moving along nicely. "Crap From The Past" just passed the six month mark in its current time slot, and it's developing a small following. I've been toying with setting up a self-indulgent Crap From The Past website at cftp.org, although I'm not sure what good that would do. (There's already a Crap From The Past webpage at kfai.org.) I'm also talking to one of the smaller commercial stations about producing their Friday night show, which would be a retro-type thing, similar to CFTP. The best part - their call letters are "KOWZ". Yes, KOWZ. Moo. Many years ago, when I was moving away from the east coast for the first time, I had joked with some friends about finding a radio station, KOW. Moo. Well, I found not just one KOW, but several. It's not a definite thing yet, and I'm still looking for co-hosts and an appropriate show title. Keep your fingers crossed, and let me know if you can think of a good pun with both a cow and Friday night in it somewhere. Moo.

Happy Jewish New Year, which is either Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur, depending on which side of the Mississippi River you live on. Moo.

Ron

Tuesday, July 13, 1999

Ron's Big Life Update - July 1999

Hi, y'all. I finally had a good vacation, and I'll tell y'all about it now. (Nope, the word y'all still sounds ridiculous to me, despite my having used it twice in two sentences.)

We'd never been to the Badlands or Devil's Tower, and I was almost convinced that the state of Wyoming didn't even exist, so, in the fine tradition of Chevy Chase movies, Margaret and I took a Road Trip. It was wonderful.

First, we brought Margaret's old '83 Accord to our Über-mechanic, who pronounced it fit for driving. (Yes, we took Margaret's car. The Hondastein - made up of pieces of old dead Hondas. More on this later.) Then we swept and vacuumed the inside of the car at our Über-carwash, which was a requirement of mine. If you'd ever seen the inside of Margaret's old car, you would understand.

Then, we hit the road Tuesday night (6/29) and made it to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Not much happened, since we drove at night.

We awoke casually on Wednesday (6/30) and drove clear across South Dakota, which only took a few hours. More importantly, I got to drive a significant stretch of I-90. This is only relevant because I had practically no prior experience driving a stick. I mean, in PRINCIPLE, I can drive a stick. Sure, no problem. But, in practice, well, I never really got out of the on-deck circle. (For fun, let's review my prior vehicles, all of which contained automatic transmissions: a 1979 Ford Fairmont, a 1979 Chevy Caprice, and a 1986 Toyota Tercel. I can recall getting stranded in all of them, usually in remote parts of New York state, and once in Canada! Ah, sweet memories...) Long story short - I can get it into 5th without incident, and I can go from 5th to neutral on the exit ramp. I am Riding-The-Clutch-Man, and I have come to terms with my inflexible driving style. Margaret did all the driving through the small towns with traffic lights (because I didn't feel like having the South Dakota natives point and laugh), and I did about half of the highway driving. Surprisingly, no damage done to the car, and I only stalled once in reverse. (Amazingly enough, the Honda is still on its original clutch, even after my driving skillz,,,)

Most of South Dakota is pretty desolate, as you might imagine. Flat. Cows. More cows. A tree here and there. I got the impression that most of South Dakota exists so that you can gas up and get out of South Dakota.

All that changed once we reached the Badlands in the western part of the state. The Badlands are absolutely astounding, and we far and away the best thing we saw on our trip. My measly words can't even begin to describe the rock formations, so I won't even try. I got some great pictures of Margaret standing by the pretty rocks, and one of them will end up on my desk at work. Just north of the Badlands (off I-90) is Wall Drug, which is the South Of The Border of the upper midwest. We didn't even stop.

We stayed overnight in Rapid City, South Dakota. We were directed by some locals to a Heritage Festival (although I don't know exactly whose heritage), where some mildly ethnic food was served, and Lamont Cranston (sp?) was playing guitar up on the stage. Neat!

We got up nice and early on Thursday (7/1), and did most of the touristy things in the Mount Rushmore area (SW corner of SD) all in one day. I will summarize and give capsule reviews, à là Leonàrd Màltin:
  • Breakfast at Rapid City. 1-1/2 stars. Toast and juice, with no meat and nothing deep-fried. Disappointing, considering that the state of South Dakota has some anti-animal-activist billboards. (That's pro-hunting.)
  • Mount Rushmore. 2-1/2 stars. A big mountain with four big stone heads carved in it. Impressive. We didn't hike the trails around it, so it was pretty brief. I hypothesized that the rest of their bodies was also carved into the mountain but was mistaken left underground, and was abruptly silenced by Margaret.
  • Black Hills Wildlife Preserve. 3 stars. It's got little teeny two-lane roads that snake through it, and it's very pretty from the car. We encountered a buffalo that was walking down the road in the opposite direction (and on the proper side of the road, too!) Naturally, I didn't have my camera ready and had to settle for pictures of some antelope later on.
  • Crazy Horse. 2 stars. From the road, we could see the mountain where they'd begun carving, but all there is is the top of his head and one of the fingers on his hand. ("Pull my finger." Ha! That just kills me...) The admission price to the park was pretty steep, so we just turned around in the parking lot entrance and took a picture. Maybe it's impressive when you're standing right in front of it, but now I'll never know.
  • Hill City. 3 stars. Well, I guess the whole town doesn't deserve three stars, but the little mom-n-pop place that served us buffalo burgers for lunch was great. Buffalo is tasty.
  • Lead, South Dakota. (pronounced leed, not led as one would think.) 2-1/2 stars. Lead is a town of about 500 people, where one-third of the population works for the Homestake gold mine. We got a tour, and it was pretty cool. I guess the total daily output of the mine is about one brick-sized brick of gold, or somewhere around $100,000 a day. We didn't get to go underground, though. Fooey.
  • A Petrified Forest just southeast of Sturgis. 2 stars. Apparently, having a few petrified stumps lying on the ground qualifies it as a forest. It's my first experience with petrified wood, which looks like wood but feels like rock. Margaret liked it much more than I did, and practically cleaned out the gift shop.
  • We stayed in Thursday night in Sundance, Wyoming. A nagging voice in my head says that that's where the Sundance Kid got his name, but that must have been way before we got there. We didn't meet anybody famous.
  • Donuts for breakfast. 4 stars.
Friday morning (7/2), we drove up to Devil's Tower, which is the giant-sized rock from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. (Oddly enough, no signs about the movie or where it was filmed. Maybe it wasn't shot at Devil's Tower after all...) It was, for lack of a better expression, really cool. There are trails that you can hike around near the base, and if you sign up beforehand, you can climb up one of the faces. It's not for beginners, and you have to be quite the rock-climber-with-gear to attempt it. I got one superb picture of Margaret's car in front of Devil's Tower, which will undoubtedly be shown to future Honda owners everywhere.

The rest of Wyoming seemed even more desolate than South Dakota. We passed through the teeny towns of Moorcroft, Upton, Newcastle, Lusk, Torrington, and not one made any impression at all. I ate an ill-advised chili-burger in one of them.

We stopped at Scottsbluff, Nebraska, which was sorta scenic and very windy. It would have been much nicer if we hadn't just seen the Badlands, which dwarfs all in its path.

We ended up in Yuma, Colorado at Margaret's mom's house on Friday night. Saturday (7/3) was tied up with family stuff, except for a three-hour pilgrimage to Don's Discs, an outstanding record store in Denver. I dropped a few bucks, but isn't that what a vacation is for?

Sunday (7/4) was fun - we threw a 60th birthday party for Margaret's mom, and the rest of the family flew in from all parts of the country. It was a surprise party, and boy was she surprised. Her birthday isn't until November, so she didn't suspect a thing.

Sunday night, the guys across the cul-de-sac from my brother-in-law must have shot off a thousand dollars worth of fireworks. No joke - they had 20 or 30 people sitting in front of the house on lawn chairs, and they must have spent a pretty penny. The two that went off on the ground sent us running for cover, but it was still very impressive.

Monday (7/5) - we saw some friends and family in Denver, including Margaret's Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob is a Civil War buff, and has been involved with re-enactments and stuff for over twenty years. He's a collector, and has the coolest stuff of anyone I know. Lots of fun.

We gave Margaret's old Honda back to her brother, the very person who gave it to her all those years ago. He likes it so much that he'll probably drive it around town. Whod'a thunk? It still gets around 40 miles per gallon, so it's better than the gigantic pickup trucks for little trips. Use it well...

Tuesday & Wednesday (7/6 & 7/7) - we rented a U-Haul and loaded it up with furniture from Margaret's mom's house in Yuma, as did Margaret's sister and brother. Woo-hoo! Antique furniture! Now we can get rid of the crappy yard sale stuff that we've had for years! Life is good.

Thursday (7/8) - we drove from Yuma, Colorado to Minneapolis. This was less fun than one would imagine for three reasons: (1) The alignment of the U-Haul's front tires was so far off that it was a perpetual struggle to keep it in the lane, (2) The U-Haul got 7 miles per gallon, and (3) It took 16-1/2 hours to drive from Yuma to Minneapolis, which is way too far to drive in one day. We'll know for next time.

We got in at around 2:30 AM on Friday morning (7/9), and I made a token appearance at work for about an hour. (I have 74 new e-mail messages! Hooray!) We spent the weekend unpacking and rearranging furniture, and if we ever finish I'm sure the house will look smashing.

Plus, we got rid of Margaret's old Honda and found someone who will use it! We're down to two cars between us, and I'm not buying another car for at least ten years...

So, welcome back. (Although I'm the one who's been gone, I feel it's appropriate to welcome back to wherever you are now.)

Talk to y'all soon. (Nope, still sounds silly.)

Ron