Ron's Big Life Update - October 1995

Hello, one and all. It took about an hour to type in all of your addresses, just for the record. (I would greatly appreciate it if someone could teach me how to use the alias feature. But that's another issue entirely...)

So what's new in Tucson? It's getting up to 97 degrees today, which even for Tucson is unusually warm. 97 in mid-October; I'm not sure if this is better than Minnesota...

I guess the big news is that I'm graduating in December. My dissertation is written, and I defend on November 10th. It's a Friday, and I actually have a Crap From The Past show that night. (!) My guess is that it will be a thoroughly memorable show, since it will be hard to take anything all too seriously.

After November 10th, I dunno what happens. I'm interviewing with a few optical data storage companies, most of which seem to be in Colorado Springs. I hear that it's pretty nice out there, and I'll be flying out there on Oct 24th for an interview. Wish me luck.

My reasearch group has their bi-annual (twice a year; is that di-annual?) meeting with The Sponsors next week. It's the big dog-and-pony show, where we have to impress them enough for them to renew funding for another year. For us employable students, it's a major schmooze-fest, and I got a new suit just for the occasion. It's more than likely that my future employer (whoever that is) will be at the meeting, so I gots to look good.

I got a postcard in the mail yesterday from some guy at the Central Research Institute for Physics in Budapest, Hungary, requesting a reprint of one of my papers. Budapest!?!? I had to go find it on a map (it's in eastern Europe...right where I left it...) It makes me giggle that someone extraordinarily far away (100,000,000 miles, or 6 weeks by mail) is interested in my research, because nobody else in my building cares what I'm doing. Weird.

I'm taking a ballroom dancing class with Margaret, and it's going pretty well. We're learning pretty traditional dances - cha cha, waltz, rhumba, east coast swing, west coast swing, salsa, tango, foxtrot, and of course, the hustle. I was surprised to learn that the hustle is really a sanctioned dance; I always thought it was just an anomoly of the '70s, like bell-bottoms and Charlie's Angels. I think I'm going to ask our teacher to teach us the lambada.

My little Toyota car is still running, and just broke 71,000 miles. I replaced the hood ornament that was broken off a few years ago with the little guy from a swimming trophy. He's silver, and he's about to dive into the car in front of me. It makes me laugh every time I get into the car.

What would a giant e-note from Ron be without a musical update? Without further adieu (adieux? adoo? achoo? adios? au revior? a cappella?)...

Go out and buy Aimee Mann's album, "Whatever" from 1993. It's astoundingly good, and there's no other way to prepare for her new album, which is (still) due out shortly. She's supposed to have a huge number of special guests on the album, including Difford & Tilbrook (from Squeeze) who appear on the already-released single, "That's Just What You Are". Another song called "It's Not Safe" leaked out in June (when the album was initially supposed to be released), and it's excellent. We anxiously await...

The new Tears For Fears album should be out any minute. The first single, "God's Mistake" is out, and although I haven't heard it yet, I'm sure it's pretty good. TFF has a very good track record. (An aside: I read that the European cassette release of "Songs From The Big Chair" has a whole load of extra tracks. News to me.)

The Boston band Letters To Cleo has finally caught on. I dare say that I was WAY out in front on these guys (with all due respect to the Bostonians on my list who heard them before they were even recorded); for proof, check an e-letter I sent out in March '94. Their first album "Aurora Gory Alice" only sold 5,000 copies (of which I have one) and was pronounced dead before the Melrose Place soundtrack included one of their songs and brought them fame and fortune cookies. Their new album is good also, and is produced by the same guy who produced the new Aimee Mann, should it ever be released.

Has anybody heard of Suddenly, Tammy! ? They're a weird-sounding alterna-group that uses a piano instead of guitars, and they have a slightly whiny-sounding lady lead singer. Good songs, but too difficult to swallow all at once. The album is "We Get There When We Do", and I like it.

Of course the Dave Matthews Band is excellent (with all due respect to the Charlottesvillians on my list who hear them before they were even recorded).

For power-pop a la early Crowded House, go out and buy the Plimsouls' 1983 album "Everywhere At Once". It's terrific, and has the great single "A Million Miles Away".

I made the mistake of playing some James Brown albums in lab last Friday, and by the time happy hour rolled around I could no longer speak in complete sentences. HEY! Good gawd! Baby baby Baby! Get On The good Foot! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I feel GOOD!

Hope yous-all saw the ten-hour Rock and Roll thingy on PBS a few weeks ago. I got it on tape. God bless PBS.

I've been discovering the virtues of Dave Edmunds. "Girls Talk" is one of my all-time favorite pop tunes, and has escalated DE to the level of deity for me. He has a box set out, and it's pretty darn good. Footnote: DE did the original version of "Queen of Hearts", later covered by the immortal Juice Newton. For what it's worth.

Roachford just released a second album, with no fanfare at all. His first album was in '88, and I dunno what the delay was. Ditto for Ivan Neville.

I still have some small things to write in my dissertation, like the Acknowledgments section. A friend of mine wrote the following fake-acknowledgments section for his own dissertation, and I will reproduce it here in its entirety, cuz that's the kinda guy I am:

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Typically this section is used to thank those individuals who were technically or personally helpful in completing this dissertation. However, in the case of this work, any such thanks would be neither heartfelt nor deserved.

In fact, it is with great humility that I choose only to acknowledge myself for enduring the past five years of trivial discussions, petty disputes, and in general meaningless relationships with fellow students, prefessors, and staff.

If one person is responsible for this work, it is I, Joshua L. Kann. It is solely through the use of my God-given intelligence, wit, and perseverance that I have managed to assemble this document, my "masterpiece" if you will.

In fact, I must be honest and attribute any shortcomings in this dissertation to several others, including my advisor, my fellow coworkers, my (so-called) friends, and my family who only served as a source of distraction during the course of this research. Again, as you enjoy the sheer brilliance of what follows, do not be afraid to pause in awe now and then, and acknowledge the genius required to compile such a testimony to the potential of what mankind can achieve.

I'm still laughing.

And finally, something you can really use. Here's an honest-to-God recipe that I found in the August 2, 1995 Tucson Shopper (like the Pennysaver out east.) Enjoy:

TACO SOUP

SOUP

• 1 pound extra lean ground beef
• 1 medium (1/2 cup) onion, chopped
• 1 medium green pepper, chopped
• 1 (1-1/4 ounce) package taco seasoning mix
• 1 (1 quart) bottle vegetable tomato juice
• 1 cup thick & chunky salsa or picante sauce

TOPPINGS

• Light or non-fat sour cream
• Shredded lettuce
• Chopped tomato
• Shredded cheddar cheese
• Baked tortilla chips

In a four-quart saucepan cook ground beef, onion and green pepper over medium high heat, stirring occasionally, until beef is no longer pink (6 to 10 minutes); drain off fat. Stir in seasoning mix; continue cooking for one minute. Stir in vegetable tomato juice and salsa. Continue cooking, stirring occasionally, until heated through (3 to 5 minutes). To serve, spoon into serving bowls; garnish with desired toppings.

"And tonight at Danforth, we will be serving Taco Soup..."

Well, I have to go mail a paper to Budapest. That's the scoop from Tucson. Please write back, but only to me, not to everybody listed at the top of this e-letter (I've had complaints).

"If it ain't broke, don't break it." - unknown
Ron

Ron's Big Life Update - July 1995

"They may be drinkers, but they're still human beings." - from a full-length Batman movie, 1967. (quote uttered by Adam West.)

Okay, so I've been back in Tucson for a week. This has been my first chance to sit down a write a substantial letter, since my three-week vacation left me exactly three weeks behind at work. I saw nearly everybody I know out east and spent way entirely too much time at my parents' house.

In a big nutshell (like a coconut, I guess):

Sat Jun 03 Flew into Newark, NY

Sun Jun 04 Went to a record show in Montvale NJ, at which I was able to buy a copy of some early Billy Joel, before he went solo. I got albums by Attilla and The Hassles, and they're awful. But worth owning.

Mon Jun 05 Had lunch with my friend Tracy from Rochester. Good chinese food. Also got my teeth cleaned.

Tue Jun 06 Visited my friend Jason (of Deth Boat) in NYC. He showed me the recording studio that he works at. WOW! This is the studio where they mixed the new Cranberries CD, as well as Black 47, Monster Magnet, and a whole slew of truly big-name acts. I was in awe. Also saw Karen, her husband Jeff, and their new house. Nice house!

Wed Jun 07 Margaret flew in from Tucson. And met the family. Oy! Actually, it went a lot more smoothly than I would have guessed, and the family just loved her.

Thu Jun 08 Margaret and I drove up to Rah-chester for the U of R 5th-year reunion. She'd never been out east, and really liked the green-ness of it all. I showed her all the different places along Route 17 and 390 that my old cars had died, plus the wonderful Kentucky Fried Chicken in Owego. We stopped at the Roscoe Diner, just to say that we stopped at the Roscoe Diner.

Fri Jun 09 We drove out to Niagara Falls, and took some great pictures. Margaret's first trip to Canada. Then went to dinner at the Distillery, featuring the world's most perfect food, Wings. (Any self-respecting upstate-New Yorker likes buffalo wings, even though we just call them "Wings". Must also be capitalized to emphasize the importance of Wings.)

Sat Jun 10 Saw my friend Jen, her fiance Brian, and their new (to me) house. Nice house! We all went to an antique fair, and spent some time outside. It was nice to be outside because it wasn't 105 degrees, like in Tucson. Later we went to a garage sale and I got a pair of huge, ancient Advent speakers for $30. Score! They were too big to take back on the plane, so they're sitting at my folks' house right now.

Sun Jun 11 Did reunion stuff, and saw Erin, Hayden, John, Antwann, Dave, and a whole bunch of UR alumni who looked familiar. Margaret and I hit Brugger's Bagel Bakery for lunch - a Rah-chester fave.

Mon Jun 12 Had a tour of Kodak in the AM. Went very well, but they're in no position to make me a job offer since the position doesn't exist yet. More to come when the paperwork comes through. Then went to lunch at Don & Bob's with Margaret. Then drove back to NY. Stopped at the Corning Glass Museum, which I had driven past many times, but never stopped at. (bad grammar)

Tue Jun 13 Margaret and I went to lunch with Grandma. Very nice; Grandma just loved her. Then I drove Margaret back to the airport, and she returned to reality.

Wed Jun 14 Drove up to Ithaca to visit my friend Ellen from Minnesota. (She's from Chicago, but I knew her from Minnesota, and now she's going to Cornell.) We ate at a tres-cool vegetarian restaurant, and saw Crumb. Excellent movie. On the drive up, I got hailed on, just outside of Binghamton. Hail! It was weird - God was dropping hail the size of marbles on my car. I dunno why.

Thu Jun 15 Drove back from Ithaca. No hail this time.

Fri Jun 16 Picked up Charles in NYC, and drove out to Boston. Saw Seth, Jeff, Christine, Chris, and a bunch of dogs and cats. We had a nice barbeque, and then went candlepin bowling. What a goofy sport - the ball is made of wood, and is about as big as a grapefruit. You get three chances to knock everything down, and they don't reset the pins in between rolls. Wacky.

Sat Jun 17 Charles and I stayed over at Seth's, and then went to brunch and saw the entire city of Boston. We took the T out, walked around for many many hours, and took the T back. Boston is monstrously cool, but ridiculously hard to drive in. Afterwards, we rented "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls", a Russ Meyer film with a screenplay written by Roger Ebert. Mondo bizarro.

Sun Jun 18 We all went out for brunch with high school friend Christine, whom I hadn't seen in quite a while. She too is engaged. She also pointed out that if you want the ketchup to come out of the bottle faster, you don't hit it on the bottom of the bottle. You hit it on the "57" numbers. Try it. Then Charles and I drove back to NYC. We passed Gerber Optical Inc. on Route 95 just outside of Hartford, Connecticut, which I had never heard of before. You'd think that since I OWN the company, I would have heard of it.

Mon Jun 19 A day off to do laundry. I think I also visited the high school and junior high to check in with some old teachers of mine. I pissed and moaned the whole day because I didn't get to meet Aimee Mann in Boston.

Tue Jun 20 Drove down to DC. Saw Jon & Laura, their 2-month-old son Adam, and their cat Max. I don't know about this baby thing - as everyone knows, children are not part of my little world. But Adam was cute, even if he does spit up his stomach contents on Jon's entire wardrobe.

Wed Jun 21 Had lunch with Terry (that's Terry-the-hot-babe if you're playing at home. I have to stop calling her that around Margaret), and dinner with my uncle, my cousin, and my cousin's new boyfriend. It's good to see family.

Thu Jun 22 Drove back to New York.

Fri Jun 23 Saw Jon's folks, and Russell and his four-month-old daughter Esther. Oy, more babies! But Esther was cute also, and seemed less susceptible to spitting up than Adam. (I can only hope that their little stomachs get more stable as they get older.) I'm glad I got to see Russell before he moves to Boise, Idaho. (on July 1)

Sat Jun 24 Washed and changed the oil in Mom's car, since over the course of three weeks I put 3,000 miles on it. Then flew back to Tucson.

So I saw eight states, two countries, and ten radio markets. (I did my driving with the radio on the entire time.) And I was VERY glad to get back to Tucson.

Once I returned to work, I got hit with the three weeks of stuff that I had not done. Oy! And now it's Saturday, and time to meet Margaret. (She gets off work in ten minutes.) I'll tell her you say hi.

Good night. And have a pleasant tomorrow.
Ron "Not-gonna-see-Pocahontas-because-of-all-the-hype" G

Ron's Big Life Update - April 1995

"Hello BAYYYYYYYYYYY-bee." - The Big Bopper

No, in response to your last question, I have neither fallen off the face of the earth (which, for the record, is just outside of Bakersfield, California) nor been abducted by aliens. I have just been feeling guilty for writing abnormally long e-mail messages during work. Meaning: I don't really want to get caught. Because the punishment is tarring, feathering, and playing of the entire Barry Manilow box set, including his demo versions of "Mandy".

So...what's been going on out here? Nothing earth-shaking (read: no earthquakes), just lots of little odds and ends. I went up to Phoenix last weekend to see Los Lobos. They were simply amazing, and should be seen by all. I saw "The Hudsucker Proxy", with Tim Robbins and Jennifer Jason Leigh (no no no - I saw it with Margaret. Tim & Jennifer were the stars of the movie. You silly people...) Very funny - a la "Raising Arizona", which makes sense since it was also done by the same people (the Coen brothers). And I saw "The Shawshank Redemption" - I loved it. And based on a Stephen King story, too! And last night, we watched another Jackie Chan movie. Jackie Chan makes Van Damme, Stallone, Schwartzenehaygarr (sp?), and Seagal all look like weenies. Two thumbs up.

But enough of that. You want to hear dirt, so I'd best dish it out.

Things are going very well with Margaret. So well, in fact, that she invited me to her sister's wedding in Houston at the end of July, and I invited her to my University of Rochester 5th year reunion at the beginning of June. This opens up not just a can of worms, but a 55-gallon drum of worms. My parents have no idea that Margaret exists (if you know my folks, you can easily understand why I leak no details at all about my personal life). If I bring her out east with me, she will be subject to undue scrutiny by not only my parents, but grandma as well, who will be coincidentally in town visiting my folks. And one DOESN'T introduce one's ladyfriends to grandma. A no no. Margaret isn't Jewish either, and quite possibly the only person who will care is grandma. As you can see, there are many bugs to be ironed out in June.

I haven't bought the plane tickets yet, but here are the rough dates that I want to be back east, zooming up and down the east coast in mom's little blue Toyota (which is immeasurably better than my brother's crappy 1983 Chevy Celebrity which nearly got me killed two years ago in Delaware thank you very much, but that's another story entirely):
May 28th. I have a wedding to go to here in Tucson. As a guest, which is much more fun than a DJ.
June 4th. There's a Record Show in Montvale, NJ, so I have to fly in before this.
June 9-11. (Give or take a day.) Must be in Rah-chester for festivities. Should be fun.
June 25. (Give or take a week.) Fly back to Tucson.

That leaves a LOT of time to cruise happily up and down the east coast, visiting people I haven't seen in a long time. So I'll be hitting Rah-chester, Syracuse (if anybody is still there), Ithaca, DC (many people in DC, including Jon and Laura's baby boy - Congrats again.), Boston (although I really don't like driving in Boston and would greatly appreciate if the Boston people met me somewhere else), and finally Bangor, Maine. Mike (former DJ at KRQ, under whom I was Mr. Science) owns a radio station in Bangor, and I thought I'd pay him a visit. Of course, if it's a twelve-hour drive, I may reconsider. I should really check a map...

Anyway, I planned on visiting folks in the Rockland County/NYC area from the 5th to the 8th, and then bounce around from the 11th to the 25th. I still haven't bought the plane tickets yet, and I'd need to coordinate things with Margaret, who can't spare more than a few days off from work. (I'd like to minimize scrutiny.) As usual, details to follow.

I'll graduate by December, and if funding from IBM doesn't hold up, I may be graduating at the end of the summer. Cool! But kinda scary.

Nothing much else going on. The car still works. Crap From The Past still draws dozens of phone calls every show. And I owe my friend Matt a dollar. Life plods on...

Yesterday's high: 94.
Ron

Ron's Big Life Update - February 1995

"Hi, everybody." - Dr. Nick Riviera from The Simpsons

So why have I been amazingly lax in sending out e-mail. Because I've been away from my desk for an extended period of time. FAR away from my desk.

How far? Try: NEW ORLEANS!!!!! (And Las Vegas, too, but I'll get to that later.)

About 8 months ago, my friend Steve-who-set-fire-to-the-Chinese-restaurant (don't ask) asked me if I'd like free tickets to New Orleans; he and a few friends were getting together for a weekend before Mardi Gras, and he wanted to know if I'd like to join them. He (somehow) got free non-transferrable tickets through work, and they'd go to waste if I didn't use them. So I thought for about a nanosecond, and said YES! YUP! YOU BETCHA! I AM THERE! THERE AM I! Bring on the dancing horses! BABY BABY BABY! Oh yes indeedy! Uh-huh! OK! Fine! No problem! Sure!

So I got plane tix to the Bayou. Steve took care of hotel reservations, (for some reason, he likes orchestrating large events), and ten of us descended on New Orleans from Thursday (2/16) to Monday (2/20). For those of you playing at home, that's the weekend before Mardi Gras. Well, I was already giddy as the plane was preparing to land in New Orleans. You could already see the smile on my face as the plane flew over some houses with extremely low property value. Good things were about to happen.

Initially, there were four of us in N.O. - Steve, me, and two other friends of his who I'd met before. In our boundless enthusiasm, we made a beeline for the coolest bar on Bourbon Street, "Pat O'Brien's", where we demolished a few hurricanes (32-ounce fruity drinks, with the equivalent of 4 shots of rum). Dan (one of Steve's friends) didn't fare very well after that, and spent most of the upcoming evening worshipping the porcelain goddess.

That pretty much set the scene for the rest of our stay there. We drank a lot, hung out in the French Quarter, ate like kings, and drank a lot. Oh, did I mention that we drank a lot?

The food was great - red beans & rice, jamblaya, alligator, catfish, shrimp creole, grits (I didn't particular care for grits, actually), and crawfish. Crawfish are pretty cool - kind of a cross between shrimp, lobster, and crawly bugs. The restaurant boils them whole, then you crack 'em open and try and extract some meat from their insides. Fun, but too difficult for a steady diet.

I tried to learn to talk Cajun, but I only mastered one phrase: New OR-linz. Not "New OrLEENZ", but "New OR-linz." I couldn't pick up any other phrases, much in the same way that I can't recover my New York accent. I did notice that the true Cajun folk speak of themselves in the third person, so Ron will be doing that from now on.

Steve and I managed to belt out a few of our favorites at one of the Karaoke bars on Bourbon Street. He sang his staples: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" (which nobody really likes, but we don't have the heart to tell him) and "Dancing With Myself" (likewise), and I sang my staples: "Play That Funky Music" (white boy, indeed) and "I Will Survive" (sung in a painful falsetto that left me hoarse the next day). The crowd loved us, which I suppose, was our goal the whole time.

We took in a few parades while we were there. There was a big ol' parade through the city to officially kick off the berserk Mardi Gras festivities, with floats and marching bands etc. Right before the parade, one of the police horses unloaded right in front of where we were standing, which was pretty funny. And then, all the marching band people stepped in it, which was even funnier. There was a much smaller parade two days later - the dog parade. Apparently, this is a New Orleans tradition that goes back quite a few years. The local dog owners dress up their dogs in wacky costumes, and march them in a little parade through the French Quarter. Well, one of the first dogs through took a dump right in front of where we were standing, and we watched everyone else in the parade walk through it. A very strange recurring theme...

It rained for most of the weekend, but that didn't stop any of the festivities. Not by a longshot, actually. We spent most of the evenings and nights on Bourbon Street, along with 200,000,000 other drunk people. If you're like me, you probably don't know the Bourbon Street rituals that go on during Mardi-Gras. Allow me to fill you in...

For some reason, Mardi Gras partygoers fixate on beads. Strings of beads are effectively currency during M.G., although you can't buy things with them. The goal of the M.G. partygoer is to acquire as many beads as possible without buying them. One can get beads buy flashing parts of his/her body on the street, which will usually result in other people throwing him/her some beads. It's actually much more structured and organized than you would imagine. Bourbon Street is a fairly narrow road (blocked to car traffic), with 1-story-high balconies lining the street on both sides.

Dialogs take place between the balcony people and the street people (who usually can't see too many other street people because they're all at the same height.) For example, a street guy will single out one woman in the balcony and will serenade her with a gentle call of "Show your t**s!!!", which will usually generate one of two responses: (1) No, or (2) Let's see the beads. If they're cheap beads, like the ones they throw at you in the parades, then no deal. If they're really nice beads, then body parts are flashed, beads are thrown, and applause ensues from the entire audience. And women yell, "Show your d***!!!" also, so it's not completely sexist.

We were lucky enough to get up onto a balcony on Saturday night, so we got to see everything. Woo-hoo! I hope the pictures come out...

To look down on the crowds on the street level was like watching Times Square during New Year's Eve. Pandee-monium! At one point, as I was trying to make my way to a pizza joint for a slice, I got picked up by the crowd behind me, and was pushed about forty feet. I could only get one foot on the ground, so I pretty much gave up and let the crowd drag me wherever it wanted. Go with the flow, they say. And they say NEXT weekend is ten times worse! Yow!

I think one of the strong points of New Orleans is the music scene. I myself got sick of drinking after three days, but I don't think I could ever get sick of seeing the dozens of live bands in the city that are there every day. There's one restaurant/arena called the "House Of Blues", and their February lineup included lots of bands that I'd normally go way out of my way to see: Nick Lowe, Graham Parker, Barenaked Ladies, The Subdudes, Freedy Johnston, and lots and lots of others that I can't remember off the top of my head. I got a button from the House of Blues. Cool. And all the local bands know the Neville Brothers and Meters toonz that I love, so I was one happy camper. Oh, and I got my picture taken with Fats Domino's shoes, which were on display at the N.O. Hard Rock Cafe. Hope the picture comes out...

We also found time to visit the New Orleans Art Museum, which had a Monet exhibit going on. Cul-chah!

So after five days of drunken debauchery (which was plenty for me; I don't think I'll ever have another drink again), I flew to Las Vegas to meet my parents there. Coincidentally, they made vacation plans in L.V. the same week that I made the N.O. plans, so I flew up for two days to see them. We saw Sigried and Roy, which was easily the high point of my trip to L.V., but on the whole, I hated Las Vegas. I didn't like gambling at all (strike one), and it seemed like all people ever do in L.V. is gamble, smoke, and eat red meat. Well, I'm in no great danger of gambling away my life savings...

So now I'm back in Tucson. And actually very happy to be back; there's only so much abuse one can dish out to oneself, and I'm happy to be back in the land of sand.

On the flight back from Houston (a connection), I sat next to a woman who had spent a few months there. They talk funny there. If you're addressing one person, it's "Y'all." If it's more than one person, it's "All y'all." No joke!

Well, I don't expect to be able to top this for quite a while, so I hope you'll understand if things are a little quiet from my end.

"We make holes in teeth! We make holes in teeth!" - The Cavity Creeps
Ron

Ron's Big Life Update - January 1995

Where was I? Oh, yes. Two weeks ago, I had begun to describe my wonderful new Commodore 64. I quickly decided that the most entertaining part of the computer is the manual. Back in '83, when memory was hard to come by (64K total in the whole machine), the user's guide gave some suggestions on how to save memory:

1. Delete all comments from your program.
2. Delete all extra spaces from your program. (GOTO 10 becomes GOTO10)
3. Use the smallest possible line numbers in your BASIC programs. (100 X = 3 is much more wasteful than 8 X=3 )

I think it's pretty funny that what is considered BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD programming nowadays was considered good back then, and was actually suggested in the User's Guide. Hm!

In other news, Christmas (and Hanukah) came and went. The best gift I got was an instructional book on How To Do The Lambada. Margaret and I will be practicing, hopefully. Hope your own personal Santas brought you lots of good stuff also.

And Crap From The Past has been on a rampage lately. My Christmas show was excellent. The theme was Christmas, and included great songs like "I Wanna Be Rich" - Calloway, "Money (That's What I Want)" - The Flying Lizards, "Gimme Some Money" - Spinal Tap, "I Just Want To Be Your Everything" - Andy Gibb, "Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" - The Ramones, "I Want Candy" - Bow Wow Wow, "I Want Your Sex" - George Michael, "Gimme All Your Lovin'" - ZZ Top, and of course some Christmas staples, like "The Twelve Days Of XMas" - Bob & Doug McKenzie, and "Walking Round In Women's Underwear" - Bob Rivers.

On the whole, a most excellent show that I'm sorry you all missed.

And for New Year's Eve, I did Crap From The Past live at a local club. I put up flyers all over Tucson that read,

Disco AND New Wave.
70's AND 80's.
Peaches AND Herb.

Can your New Year's Eve party do this?

Bust out the bell-bottoms and Afro-Sheen for a booty-shakin' New Year's Eve party featuring world-famous disc jockey Ron "Boogiemonster" Gerber, host of 91.3 KXCI-FM's "Crap From The Past."

etc. etc. time, place, cover charge, etc.

It was excellent. We crammed 300 people into a room that only holds 270, and played lots of disco, very little new wave, and some 60's stuff as well. Fun was had by all, including me. And I got paid for it! What a country!

Oh yes, and I spent Christmas with my friend Matt. We had the traditional viewing of "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians". (A Mystery Science Theater 3000 staple, now taped in its entirety.)

And I lost four pounds last week. Hmmm...

Well, I think that's all the excitement you can handle for now. Write back when you can, and to all a good night.

Ha Ha Ha...no that's not quite right, Tee Hee Hee... no that's not it either, Hoo Hoo Hoo, oh forget it.
Ron

(written January 13th:)

Hi, y'all. I realize that as my mailing list gets larger and larger, my e-letters must seem less and less personal. Sorry about that; if it's any comfort at all, you'll be delighted to know that there's nothing else going on in my pathetic life aside from what's contained in this letter. Rest easier, one and all.

I saw Stevie Wonder last night in Phoenix. He played for three hours, and he's in serious contention for the best concert I've ever seen. Let's put it this way - if I ever get a band at my wedding (if I ever get married), I want Stevie Wonder. Nuff said.

I was commissioned by the Powers that Be at KXCI (the radio station I work at) to write a little blurb about Crap From The Past for their monthly newsletter. I came up with this:

Crappy New Year, from Ron "Boogiemonster" Gerber, host of "Crap From The Past." My new year's resolution for 1995 was to speak only in lyrics from '70s and '80s songs.

"I'm your boogie man. That's what I am." - KC & The Sunshine Band, 1977.
"I'm a DJ." - David Bowie, 1977.
"I've been to paradise but I've never been to me." - Charlene, 1981.

The second Friday of every month belongs to "Crap From The Past." So how's it going, you ask?

"Things are going great. And they're only getting better." - Timbuk 3, 1986.
"Everything's coming up roses." - Nik Kershaw, 1984.
"Everybody was kung fu fighting." - Carl Douglas, 1974.

The show is wildly successful on every level, and has achieved more in seven months that the combined contributions of all civilized societies since the dawn of mankind. "Crap From The Past" also plays a lot of the stuff that was on the radio in the late '70s and early '80s, but that doesn't interfere with our delusions of grandeur.

"I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman." - Helen Reddy, 1972.
"I am Superman. And I can do anything." - R.E.M., 1987.
"Look at me. I'm Sandra Dee." - Stockard Channing from Grease, 1978.

I think of the second Friday of every months as an important educational podium, from which we may spread enlightenment, spiritual enrichment, and insights that can only be gained through years of listening to the radio.

"Everybody Wang Chung tonight." - Wang Chung, 1987.
"I got Pac Man Fever." - Buckner & Garcia, 1982.
"Someone left the cake out in the rain." - Donna Summer, 1978.

And don't miss the big hue Valentine's Day show on Friday, February 10th.

I'll be playing Love Songs. Nothing but Love Songs.

"Oh. Love to love you baby." - Donna Summer, 1975.
"Love is like a rock." - Donnie Iris, 1982.
"I love rock and roll." - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, 1981.

Ain't life sweet? Happy Friday the 13th,
Ron

(written January 23rd:)

I got my first paper published! My name is in 11-point Helvetica for the entire optics community to see! I am now an entry in the "authors" section of a database! Woo-hoo! I'm going to change my answering machine message to say:

James J. Zambuto, Ronald E. Gerber, J. Kevin Erwin, and M. Mansuripur, "Ring-lens focusing and push-pull tracking scheme for optical disk systems," Appl. Opt. 33, 7987-7994 (1994).

Now to send off a copy to mom...

Ron G

Ron's Big Life Update - December 1994

(written December 4th:)

"Monday! Monday! Monday!" - unattributed. probably never spoken.

How is everything in the wild wacky zany loopy goofy nutsy cuckoo world of e-mail? Hope your respective Thanksgiving plans are taking shape. I'd invite you all over to my place, but I'm not going to be there. (I'll be chowing with the usual bunch out here - I'll tell them you say hi.)

Another absurd weekend here in Tucson:

Thursday night - went bowling. Bowled a 164. (Only one strike, but seven spares.) Plus I bowled the whole game using M.H.Q. (Maximum height quotient). Then bowled a 94 lefty.

Friday night - was invited to a dinner party, and was asked to bring a main dish. Unfortunately, I got that request after I had arrived with a dessert. (O well.) My dessert was supposed to be a coconut custard pie, but I realized after it was already in the oven that I left out the main ingredient - the coconut. So I showed up with a custard pie, which I later explained by calling it "flan" in a pie crust. (No joke. I really left out the coconut.)

Saturday - got my oil changed. Woo-hoo! Then went out with Margaret on a very loosely-structured date. Which was fine with me.

Sunday - did laundry. Woo-hoo! Then watched a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, "Teenagers From Outer Space". (quote from movie: "Geez! Look at the V-necks on those alien outfits. It looks more like Student Council From Outer Space.") Then saw "The Mask" with Margaret and a few of her friends. Which was fine with me.

Monday - came into work, wrote the obituaries in advance for the volleyball team that we're going to CRUSH tonight, and wrote this e-letter.

Ron

(also written December 4th:)

Well, another Monday is upon us. And after the giant-sized feast on Thursday, I think this is going to be the longest, draggiest Monday in recorded history.

Hope your Thanksgivings were most excellent, as was mine. We gathered at Cindi's house (same crew as last two years) and all prepared recipes from the special Thanksgiving issue of Bon Apetit magazine (called "Food Porn" by someone at the party). ("I read it for the articles." Sure, you do...) Leftovers are now a staple in most of our households.

Friday, we had our last football game of the season. We played ASU here in Tucson, and beat them 28-27 because they missed a 40+ yard field goal with 30 seconds left on the clock. It was a great game, and merriment was had by all.

Saturday, went to lunch with Margaret, and then DJed a wedding. The wedding turned out great - I got the largest tip of my entire DJ career! The high point came with the bouquet toss; the bride tossed it straight up into the chandelier (sp?), and broke a few of the light bulbs. (Ron's comments: "Stay away from my car" and "Fortunately, those aren't Christmas lights or they'd all be out.") About halfway through the party, someone asked me if I have any disco. IF I HAVE ANY DISCO??!?!??? Well, not being one to disappoint, I played non-stop disco for the next hour and a half, and kept the dance floor completely filled. Life is good...

Sunday, spent the whole day with Margaret. (recall Margaret from my e-letter three weeks ago.) We'd been in this awkward zone between just friends and dating, but we cleared that up - I got the official yellow "proceed with caution" light. Some may read that as "Go really fast", but I don't think that's such a good idea, considering the type of vehicle I drive. I found out that Margaret is six days older than I am. Six days! Is this karma or what? We saw "Pulp Fiction", which was excellent.

Oh, and I taped all 28 hours of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Marathon on Thanksgiving day. We got all fourteen episodes, and that should keep us happy until next year. I've now seen the entire "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians", and the second half is just as good as the first.

And did you know that Barry Manilow's "Mandy" was actually a remake? The original was a song by Scott English called "Brandy" and hit #92 in 1972.

Not a big hit by any standard, and it's on Janus Records (which I've never even heard of). If you find a copy of "Brandy", send it to me.

That is all.
Ron

(written December 13th:)

"Hey." - James Brown

Life is good. My one class this semester ends today with a 20-minute presentation of my research - no problema. I should eventually print out the transparencies, but I think I'll do that after lunch. Ah, sweet laziness...

Things are going extremely well with Margaret (born six days apart, karma, etc.). We're at the stage where we're introducing each other to our friends. This is a significant improvement over my last few relationships, which fizzled long before this stage. So far so good; I'm keeping my fingers crossed (have you ever tried to type with your fingers crossed?)

My friend Matt just had his parents ship out his old Commodore 64, which has the hi-tech cassette drive. Woweee! This should be fun!

And if any of you are somewhere near Tucson for New Year's Eve, I'll be DJing at one of the hotels here in town. From all of us at Crap From The Past, have a Crappy New Year.

I've been mulling over the idea of a new radio character to fill the void left by the late Mr. Science. It would be called "Ramblin' Man", and would sound a lot like Grandpa Simpson. I dunno...

Today's high: low 60s. Wear lots of sweaters.
Good luck on your respective finals, etc.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho,
Ron

(written December 22nd:)

"I got a girlfriend with bones in her hair/And nothing's better than that." - David Byrne, via Pat.

Well, hi. It would be in my best interest to learn how to use the "alias" thingy, so that I don't have to type in all the e-mail addresses by hand (which took about two hours this morning...)

The Mr. Science Radar Weather Station tells me that it's been fairly mild in the rest of the country for the last few days. Also true of Tucson - been in the mid-70's all week. (Some of us have been in the mid-70's for a lot longer than that...)

Saw Fellini's "8-1/2" last week. Did I enjoy it? Definitely. Did I fully understand it? Definitely not. It is an excellent movie, and probably one I should watch over and over. (8.5? No, 8-1/2.)

Campus is really dead right now, since finals ended two days ago. In my opinion, it should be like this all the time. Schools operate much more efficiently when there are no students to clog up the machinery. And it makes the restaurants a lot less crowded at lunchtime. Aside from the loss of some pretty scenery, I don't miss the students at all...

In the audio/visual world, I have a wonderful new addition to my home entertainment system - a COMMODORE 64!!!! Woo-hoo!!! My friend Matt had his parents ship out his old Commodore 64 (I think one of the machines in lab is controlled by a '64, and needs a new power supply - that's why Matt's computer is here). So I hooked the thing up (temporarily) in my apartment. Wow! I'd forgotten how technically advanced those things are! That 38,000-byte RAM (nope - can't use all 64K), that hi-tech cassette drive ("PRESS PLAY ON CASSETTE DRIVE. SEARCHING. FOUND. LOADING. READY."), POKEs and PEEKs, and so many other wonderful features that I'd completely forgotten about over the years. I do have an actual use for it, though, that I wouldn't be able to use a PC for. Lemme 'splain ("No, no time. Lemme sum up." - The Princess Bride) :

The way I record my radio shows is on VCR tape. A 6-hour videocassette costs less than a 90-minute audio cassette, and has much much much better sound. So, I patch my receiver into my VCR, and let it run uninterrupted for the entire show. Pretty slick, eh? Anyway, the video signal on the tape is pretty much useless unless it's a clock, or some other time-keeping device, so I can fast-forward to the end of the show or whatever. In the past, when I had cable, I would record the weather channel, or some other directory channel that had a live clock on the screen at all times. (People thought I was a little strange. Nothing I'm not already used to...) What I'm using the Commodore 64 for is a clock screen - the '64 doesn't use real computer monitors because those hadn't been invented yet; its output is to a TV. Hence, into my VCR, and a simple BASIC program puts a live clock on the screen.

("Ron, you're a genius. Here's a high-paying job, with business cards." - prospective employer)

Uh, I think the mainframe is about to crash, so I'll be cutting this short.

Toodles,
Ron

Ron's Big Life Update - November 1994

(written November 10th:)

Like hi. It's an overcast Wednesday morning in Tucson, which is a very unusual thing. (Normally, it's not Wednesday at all.)

Happy belated Halloween. If you're like me, the belated part doesn't mean much because you still have six bags of Milky Ways left. And I discovered that it's very difficult to eat a whole bag of Milky Ways in one sitting.

Not impossible, just difficult.

I think that I partook in a pretty good Halloween costume this year. My blonde friend Jill and I went to a party as Nicole & OJ Simpson. We made a quick trip to the Salvation Army store and picked up an old black dress for $3.50. Jill actually looked pretty good in it, but then we ripped it to shreds and covered her in fake blood. Mmm mmm good! For my outfit, I piled four pairs of socks on my shoulders (under the blue T-shirt), wrote "32" and "SIMPSON" on the back of the T-shirt, drove to the airport to get some Hertz stuff so I could make a Hertz name tag that read "HI! MY NAME IS O.J.", got a plastic knife, one glove, a Nerf football, and a 1-pint carton of Minute Maid orange juice. Oh, and that black stuff you put under your eyes.

And then we covered me in fake blood also. Woo-hoo! Such bad taste! Jill and I were very proud, indeed.

If you haven't already heard, Tom Jones is back. He's got a killer new song called "If I Only Knew" (produced by Trevor "Art of Noise, Yes, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, ABC, Seal, Buggles" Horn, so it's sonically unbelievable). I love it, and I'm hoping that the rest of the country loves it also.

As for research stuff, I think I'm at the point where nobody knows (or even cares) what I'm doing. Including my advisor. Oy.

Don't forget to tune into KXCI a week from Friday - the next Crap From The Past airs, and it's gonna be huge. Details to follow.

Later, grizzly dudes.
Ron

(written November 10th:)

Like, hi. And thank you for the continued negative feedback concerning my truly tasteless Halloween costume. Next year, Jill and I WON'T be OJ and Nicole. We've learned a valuable lesson here - that I am not at all believable as a football player. It'll never happen again...

Had an amazingly good weekend. Went out dancing Friday night, which was fun. Saturday - UA Homecoming football game (We won, but it was ugly. The best play by far was the 97-yard interception that we ran back for a touchdown. I can't believe that we moved up in the rankings after Saturday.) After the game - big party. I mean BIG party! Including an entry for the It's A Small World file. Lemme 'spain. ("No, not enough time. Lemme sum up." - Princess Bride)

About a year and a half ago, I went out with a few friends to see the Sick and Twisted Animation festival, where I discovered that my wonderful song, "Mutilator", as recorded by Deth Boat featuring me on vocals, turned up in a short animated film. Needless to say, I was speechless when I heard myself screaming at the top of my lungs on the big screen.

As fate would have it, I wound up sitting next to a very attractive woman in the theater (which was my idea, actually. I said, "Let's go sit over by that attractive woman.") We talked a little bit during the movie. I found out that she was from Colorado, and overheard another girl in the same row say that this woman was her 117 T.A. Unfortunately, I lost her in the shuffle after the movie and didn't get her name. Fooey. A quick scan through the course catalog revealed that there was only one 117 class offered in the entire school - Art 117. I figured that they (the art department) might have a big display case with pictures of the graduate students (like Opt Sci), but they didn't, and I abandoned my search after that.

("So Casey, can you play "Wind Beneath My Wings"...")

Fast-forward to sometime in July, when KXCI is playing Disco Music in the streets of downtown Tucson during Downtown Saturday Night. ("Downtown Saturday Night Fever"!) My co-host (Steve "Starsky Suave") and I are decked out in full 1977 regalia. He looks divine in his black/powder blue frilly shirt and pants, and I look resplendent in the same outfit that I wore for Halloween two years ago. (I mix tenses. Please forgave me.)

We take turns mixing songs and announcing silly things on the mike. At one point, Steve takes a break to go dance with a lady-friend of his who stopped by to say hi, while I mix a few songs. Crimes of fashion were committed, and fun was had by all.

Now fast forward again to this cool party on this past Saturday. This is not the usual Opt Sci crowd, so I am very pleased (the circle of friends gets kind of stifling after a while). Not more than five seconds after I've stepped in the door, I wound up being introduced to a very attractive woman, Margaret, and her friend, Amber. We talked and danced the whole night (yes, the party was so good that people danced), and afterwards went to Coffee Etc. (open 24 hours! And they serve pancakes too!). It was only after a few hours of conversation that I realized that Margaret was the one I sat next to at the movies, and also the one who danced with Steve at the Disco Vortex! Yaa! Small world, indeed!

("So, Casey, can you play "Everything I Do, I Do It For You"...")

Margaret and I saw "Frankenstein" last night, along with a few of her friends. The movie was fair, but the company was excellent, and as always, I'll keep you posted.

And I like the new Tom Jones song so much, I put it on my answering machine.

If you have any requests for this month's Crap From The Past show (which airs this Friday), let me know.

Today's high: 74.

Brr!

Later,
Ron

(written November 18th:)

"Hi ho!" - Kermit the Frog

Had another groovy weekend, including a Thank God It's Friday, a Saturday in The Park, and Another Pleasant Valley Sunday.

Friday - had dinner with a friend of mine, who I hadn't seen in a month.

Ran into some other friends of mine at the restaurant. Small world, I suppose. Then did a killer Crap From The Past show. I think I'm onto a new feature that I could very easily do every show - the Torture Chamber! What happened is that I wasn't getting very many phone calls, so I threatened to play parts of Barry Manilow's "Even Now" album unless I got phone calls. Apparently, people didn't think that I had the chutzpah to actually play Barry, so I played Copacabana (the ultra-extended mix) while taking irate phone calls live on the air. People were truly upset, and the whole bit was hilarious. I decided to do this every show now, and I have tons of music that will make people scream - "I Am Woman", "You Light Up My Life", and the coup de grace, "Feelings" by Morris Albert. Oh, I am so looking forward to my next show...

Saturday - watched our football team lose on national TV. It was a really good game to watch, though; both teams had sorely deficient defenses, and the final score was 45-28. Usually, our defense kicks butt and keeps the scoring down - yawn!

Saturday night - another killer party, this time at Eric's house. The two ladies that I met at last week's party showed, and brought along three more women, which is a big plus for Opt Sci people like myself.

Sunday - awoke late, went to brunch at 2, hung out and read the rest of the day.

And now, the part where you, the reader, get to partake in the creative process itself... It's... Write The Blues Song! I'll start:

I wanted to make a samwich/But my bread it done turned green.
I wanted to make a samwich/But my bread it done turned green.
I got me plenty o' meat/But nothing to put it in between.

Now it's your turn. Send your verses to me. When it makes millions, I'll be sure to include you in the royalty checks.

And finally, how do you think people would react to a bumper sticker that says "Beam me up, Jesus"?

Ron