Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Ron's Big Life Update - November 2010

School has been stressful for Liz, but now she's done!
Mid-May – Got a completely new king-size bed and nightstands in the bedroom, and got rid of all the old stuff on Craig’s List. Sometimes you just have to start over. All the pieces showed up at our doorstep, unassembled, in boxes, and we had a few evenings of assembly before it was all useable. While Liz was off studying, I put together the bed to the accompaniment of Level 42’s greatest hits CD, played twice in full, which I will now forever associate with my bed.

Late May – We had to put my really old cat, Stinky, to sleep. She was 17, by my best guess, and had had a pretty good life lying around in the sun and beating up on the younger cats. We’re now down to two cats – Poohead and Noodge.

Early June – Liz’s school had their commencement ceremony, almost three months before the students actually finished their clinical commitments. I think the logic is that at the very end of clinical in late August, the students will be transitioning into their jobs, and may be off in other cities by then. Still, it’s a little weird celebrating while you still have some major, major exams to pass.

Mid-June – The city of Richfield briefly put a traffic counter in front of our house. I drove over it repeatedly for a few hours, hoping for a cloverleaf.

Late June – Our annual camping trip with friends was at Crow Wing State Park, about two and a half hours north of Minneapolis. The park was just north of Camp Ripley, a military installation that does some sort of training. While we were setting up the tent, we heard rumbling that I thought was thunder. This caused more than a bit of panic, since it’s no fun setting up in the rain. I found out that it wasn’t thunder but the activity from Camp Ripley, and thusly contributed the weekend’s most memorable quote, “Thank God it’s artillery!”

I also overturned a canoe right next to the dock on the Crow Wing River. Liz and I ended up soaked in the river, but we didn’t lose or ruin any of our possessions. Stupid city boy...

Early July – And this was where our summer got a little more difficult. My uncle Arthur died of cancer in early July. This was the same uncle who we’d just seen in January at my grandmother’s 99th birthday party, where he seemed perfectly healthy to us, except for a cough. The diagnosis came in early March, and the disease moved swiftly. Arthur’s side of the family had a history with cancer; he’d lost his sister at a very young age to it.

This was the same uncle who’d worked for years in the health insurance industry, who’d appeared in the Michael Moore film “Sicko” (Art was not a fan), and who in January was able to recite off the top of his head a detailed history of the Wisconsin clinic where Liz was about to do a clinical rotation. He was a formidable presence in the field of health care, to the point where I think he was Bob Dole’s health care advisor when he ran for president in 1996.

He underwent one unsuccessful round of treatment, then participated in a study at the National Institute of Health in Bethesda, Maryland, just a few miles from Amy and Arthur’s condo. From what I heard from the family, the NIH facility was magnificent from top to bottom, with a level of talent unequaled by anything they’d encountered before.

But in the end, the cruel, arbitrary disease won. Liz and I flew out to DC to visit him near the end, and we met up with my brother and his wife, and my cousins. He opted for in-house hospice, where he’d spend his last days at home, in his own bed, surrounded by his family and made comfortable by a nurse that stayed with them. My cousin, Beth, and I had commented that despite the overwhelming sadness of the household, there was a strange beauty and grace to his situation. He was leaving this earth, but leaving it on his own terms, in his own home, surrounded by the people who loved him most.

Fortunately, we got to say goodbye to him in person. The only other time I’d done something like this was in 1998, when my stepfather Phil was about to enter the hospital for treatment for leukemia. I wasn’t one for big speeches back then, and I just told Phil that he’d been a good dad all these years. It was just an off-the-cuff remark as I was walking out the door, but I’m glad I said it, and it still resonates with me after all these years.

My final words to Art were that he’d been a good role model and father figure for Kenny and me in the years since Phil’s been gone. It was only afterward that I realized that the whole family was in the room with us the whole time, and heard us say our goodbyes. I’m touched that my words found their way into my cousin Beth’s eulogy for her father. She teaches college-level English, and we are lucky to have such a skilled wordsmith in the family. Beth composed the sweetest tribute to a loved one that I’ve ever heard, which included some great stories about the family dynamics. Art had a very sharp, and very dry, sense of humor. He’d once told a complaining Beth that “Life is cruel and unfair”, which then became the family motto.

We came back to Minnesota, and Art died about two days later. The funeral was in New York, where Art had grown up and lived before he moved to DC.

Liz and I ended up flying in and out of Kennedy Airport in Queens, so I got to show her my old neighborhood where we lived until I was 7. Our old 6-story apartment building was still there on 137th Street, my old kindergarten/first grade elementary school was still there a few blocks away, and Liz was pretty impressed that I could still weave my way through the side streets with such ease, after not having lived there for nearly 35 years. We then drove up to Rockland County, and I showed her my other elementary, junior high and high schools. She is now the only person on earth who has now seen all the schools I attended, all on the same day.

After the funeral and meeting with the family, we came back home. Our lives out here slowly came back to normal, although it took the rest of the summer. For my aunt Amy, my cousins Heidi and Beth and my grandmother, life slowly began to settle into a new normal, without Art. Liz and I look forward to seeing all of them in January for my grandmother’s 100th birthday party. (100!!)

Mid-July – The city of Richfield told me that one of the trees in my front yard was sick, that they’d cut it down for free and replace in the spring. Free? I asked just to be sure. Free indeed. So the next day, I came home to a stump in the front yard where the big tree was, and we’ll see what ends up there in the spring.

Early August – During my routine dental cleaning, they found a cavity. I had it filled then and there, which was no big deal, but that was my very first cavity, ever, and I was annoyed that my 41-year cavity-free streak had ended. Fooey. (I’m not counting my one root canal, although Liz seems to think that it counts as one BIG cavity.)

Early August – Got new sunglasses, thereby replacing the ones I’d worn since the mid-’90s. The new ones were polarized sunglasses. And for an optics guy, what could be cooler than walking around with linear polarizers on your eyes?

The polarizers in sunglasses have their pass axis being vertical, so that light reflecting off a rain-slicked road or off the surface of a lake (which ends up having its polarization being mostly horizontal) is largely blocked. There are a couple of very interesting properties that go along with polarizing sunglasses, which I’d never thought about until I got a pair of them.

By tilting your head side-to-side, you can get linearly polarized light to appear darker or lighter, while unpolarized light maintains the same apparent brightness. From a simple head tilt, it becomes really easy to tell which objects give polarized or somewhat polarized reflections. Not surprisingly, smooth surfaces tend to polarize a lot, like building exteriors, windows, and manhole covers. Even moreseo, wet surfaces polarize the reflected light a great deal, so that it becomes really easy to tell if a road or sidewalk surface is wet just from the degree of polarization from the reflections. It turns out that rainbows are polarized, as are the sky and clouds at certain orientations. The novelty wore off, but it took a month.

Mid-August – Played my very first round of golf, at a firm-wide outing. I wasn’t very good, by any means, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. It was a little warm that day, with a high temperature of 93°F and a dew point of 75°F. Bleh!

Mid-August – Saw “The Kids Are All Right”, then sneaked into “Inception” and “The Other Guys”, in that order. That’s right: the sneakin’-into-the-movies trifecta! We spent over eight hours at the movie theater, thanks to some careful planning from Liz. She’s the best.

August 20th – Liz’s last day of clinical for grad school. She’d been dreaming of this day for over two years, since they gave her the date of August 20th, 2010 during her orientation.

Late August – Went to a performance of Rifftrax Live. Basically, the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are still making fun of movies, only now they do it in real time in a live performance in a movie theater, which is broadcast to other theaters nationwide. It was pretty excellent, and I recommend it to other MST’s who miss the silliness. The August film was “Reefer Madness”, which is almost too ripe a target. They do these about every two months – you can find a schedule online.

Early September – Played hooky and went to the State Fair. We attended one particularly terrific event – the llama judging, in the field of costumes. Yes, the llama costume contest, which basically amounts to “Tie some stuff to your llama.” It was a funnier than it sounds. My suggestion for next year’s State Fair is The Miracle Of Bacon barn. We’ll see how it goes...

Also saw Weird Al Yankovic perform at the fair (as a concert, not as a costumed animal). After thirty years of performing, he’s still got it, and he’s outlasted literally every recording act he’s made fun of. Nicely done, Mr. Yankovic!

Mid-September – Saw Aimee Mann play at the Dakota Jazz Club in Minne-apolis. A very small, intimate club, with very good food. We got to talk to the band members afterward, and I got an autograph. An excellent experience; I hope she comes back soon.

Mid-September – Liz passed her board certification exam, making her a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA). She worked her tail off for this, and it took a few days for the realization to set in that she’s actually done with the program. I am so proud of her!

Late September – Sold our old couch on Craig’s List, so we could buy a new couch and a recliner chair. Now I can sleep in the recliner when I’m sick, and I won’t keep Liz awake from my coughing. Got a cold right after the recliner showed up, and ended up sleeping in it for a few nights. Works like a charm!

Late September – Now that she was done with school, Liz had time to devote to building up her two saltwater aquarium tanks. She put together the plumbing, the lights, the special rocks you need to mount coral on, and finally the living things – coral, anemonies, two clownfish, a stripey fish (can’t remember what species it is), and a goby fish. The goby was my favorite, and Liz even let me name him: Goby-Wan Kenobi.

It’s been great to watch Liz work on all the aquarium stuff with such enthusiasm. I know how rewarding my own music hobby has been, and it’s been wonderful to watch Liz pursue her hobby with the zeal that I have for my own music stuff. She subscribes to Aquarium Fish International magazine, she participates in online forums, and she’s gotten friendly with the folks at her favorite saltwater fish store in Bloomington. If it’s knowable, she knows it. I try not to embarrass her by asking dumb questions in the fish store (I only did that once).

Early October – Liz isn’t working yet, so she’s been directing her attention to the aquarium work and to cooking. She’s been cooking like crazy! It’s fantastic! Our favorite recipes, by far, have all come from a book/magazine series by America’s Test Kitchen. Aside from just one misstep (an Asian-style recipe that was a little heavy on the fish sauce), everything else has been out-of-this-world spectacular. After a while Liz starting taking pictures, because they turned out so good.

Oct 8 - Grilled pork loin with radicchio:
Oct 12 - Argentinian grilled beef short ribs:
Oct 12 - Strawberry shortcake:
Oct 16 - Carrot cake:
Oct 18 - Spaghetti and meatballs:
Oct 21 - Baked chicken with fennel tomatoes and olives, side of smashed potatoes (probably my favorite so far):
Oct 26 - Beef curry with cilantro chutney:


Nov 3 - Beef stew:
Mid-October – My friend, John, who will be getting married in Boston in November, had his bachelor party in Las Vegas. So 11 of us spent a weekend in Sin City. If you’ve seen the movie “The Hangover”, it was exactly like…almost just like… not quite exactly like that at all.

We stayed at the Monte Carlo at the southern end of the strip. Surprisingly excellent food at the buffet – I wholeheartedly recommend it if you stay there. The casinos on the strip all look pretty much the same on the inside, all having the same slot machines from the same vendors and similar-looking card tables. I’m sure a more discriminating eye could have made out some differences, but I didn’t try all that hard.

Early on, I told my friend Kris that I didn’t understand the appeal of the slot machines. I noticed that the machine next to me took $1 bills. So I fed it a $1 bill and pulled the lever. It did its business, came up BAR / BAR / BAR, and flashed a “5” at me. Apparently I won something. I had it print out a little paper card, then took the card to an automated kiosk that read the card and turned it into a shiny new $5 bill. The 5x return on my slot machine investment was a good deal.

Later, we headed downtown to Fremont Street for some of the older casinos and for some partyin’ in the street. We went for dinner at the Golden Nugget – someone said that their buffet was the best one downtown. It was pretty terrible, so I shudder to think what the others are like. The casino dates back to the 1940s, but seems to have received a facelift in the ‘70s that gives it much of its current look. Much can be learned from one of the men’s rooms there: two dozen urinals, each one with its own ashtray. I saw a young guy walking around with a T-shirt that read “I turned 21 in Las Vegas”, and had to laugh, since I turned 42 in Las Vegas on that very day.

There was a zipline set up along Fremont Street. I guess it’s a company that does this sort of zipline thing in different locations – their temporary 90-day business permit had gone into effect only 8 days earlier. You took an elevator in a parking ramp up to the 5th floor, where a scaffold was set up. Then they hooked you up in a harness and sent you down the street to another scaffold a block or two away at a lower height. You wave and holler, and the crowd below you waves and hollers. It was most excellent. We got a great picture of Kris, Shane, me and John (left-to-right) high overhead as we zipped along over Fremont Street.

Later that night, we took over one of the craps tables at one of the smaller casinos downtown. The smaller casinos have a much more intimate vibe than the big ones along the strip, and I found them to be much more enjoyable. I’d never played craps before, but that wasn’t much of an issue. A few in our group had played before and explained it, and we picked up what we needed as we went along. Ultimately, we had some amazing rolls at the table, and all but one of us finished way, way up for the evening. I bought $20 worth of chips, and cashed out at $99 – another 5x return on my investment!

The next day, a little subgroup of the 11 wandered north on the strip all the way to the Stratosphere – about four miles. Some verrrrrry interesting people-watching along the strip, as you might imagine. And finally, we went to see Penn & Teller at the Rio, and flew home on the redeye afterwards.

October 26-27 – Big wind/rain storm marched through the Twin Cities, with a wind gust of 62 miles per hour recorded in Minneapolis. According to our weather guy, it’s the largest storm that has ever been recorded in the United States, and an upper Minnesota town now has the distinction of having the lowest barometric pressure ever recorded in the U.S. Weather guy said that if this storm were over water instead of land, it would be a Category 3 hurricane. Storms like this only happen in the Midwest about once a decade, so it was pretty odd for us.

Halloween - Costumes for both Liz and me: witch's hats, business suits, USA flag pins. Sign on Liz: "I'm not a witch. I'm you." Sign on Ron: "I'm not a witch's husband. I'm your husband." I realize this may make no sense to future readers, so if you're wondering, look up Christine O'Donnell, and thank the good people of Delaware for not electing her to the U.S. Senate.

Mandatory cat pictures!

Noodge enjoying a giant pile of catnip.

Poohead sitting next to a paper bag, with perfect lighting.

Stay warm!
Ron & Liz

Friday, April 30, 2010

Ron's Big Life Update - April 2010

A sample conversation as we drove across Minnesota to Liz's parents' house for Thanksgiving:
Ron: "Look! Cow-shaped horses!"
Liz: "You're an idiot-shaped idiot!"
- - - -
Imagine the Goffin/King classic from 1967, made famous by Aretha Franklin, except sung robotically by a voice-synthesized computer:

Cuz you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel
Like a super computer...

It's clearly not the best idea I've ever had. It doesn't even compare with my new stage name: Rod Pretzels.
- - - -
November - Liz colored her hair. She bought a box of a color called "Dark Ash Blond", and worked her magic in the sink. Unfortunately, that was the exact natural color of her hair, and no one, including me, could tell the difference.

We joked that Liz's natural hair color is greenish gray, which nicely complements her eye color of grayish green. She thinks that the coloring might have taken out a little of the green.

Dec 16 - In September, Liz had gotten a parking ticket on one of the side streets near her school in Minneapolis. I told her to take pictures on her cell phone, and offered to take care of everything here in town for her. I work one building over from the Government Center, so it was much easier for me to deal with things than for Liz to do the same.

I printed out the pictures from Liz's cell phone and walked the paperwork over to the Government Center. The appropriate clerk scheduled an appointment with a hearing examiner for Dec 16, which was over three months out. OK then.

Be at the appropriate office in the government center at least five minutes before my scheduled appointment. Check. Check in with woman at desk. Check. Take a seat. Check.

Literally about 90 seconds later (the TV in the waiting area never even came out of its block of commercials), the hearing examiner called me in. He had a modest, unpretentious office, and told me to take a seat.

I explained that my wife had gotten a parking ticket, but she's currently in school in Wisconsin, and I work in the building next door so I'm here instead. Here are the pictures she took from her cell phone.

The hearing examiner said that officially, she's the one that has to appear in court, not me, but that it wasn't really a problem and we'll most likely be able to resolve the matter without her.

He took a quick look at the pictures. He then explained that the law is that you need five feet of clearance beyond where the curved part of the curb meets the straight part (i.e., five feet beyond where the curvature of the curb starts). Think of a fire truck turning into the driveway. Based on how they measure it, Liz didn't leave any clearance at all, and the picture clearly shows that her car even extends into the curved part of the curb. Hmm.

He then asked me what I think is fair. He added that he knew what I'd like, of course, but what did I think was fair. I asked what the fine is, and he said $32. I then suggested paying, maybe, half that? He replied that since there's no history of parking violations for Liz or her car, that he'd let it go - no fine. He said that Liz effectively pleaded guilty, but it was pretty meaningless and wouldn't go on her record. I told him that I'd pass on what he said to Liz, thanked him for his time, and walked back to my office.

The whole process took maybe five minutes in the government center, and took maybe fifteen minutes of my time. Looks like the system works!

So remember, five feet of clearance from where the curvature of the curb begins. And being on-time and polite doesn't hurt, either.

Early January - You know those ubiquitous, cylindrical tins of butter cookies that always appear during the holidays? A conversation with a co-worker affirmed that the pretzel shapes always taste better than the other shapes, even though they're made from exactly the same stuff. We don't know why. They just do.

November and December - The holidays were fun. Spent them in Ada with Liz's family, which is always relaxing. For Christmas, there was a monstrous snowstorm bearing down on the midwest, so drove up to Ada a little early. The last 40 miles of the drive were on Highway 9, which is a perfectly straight two-lane highway.
It was snowing pretty hard with essentially no visibility when we got to Highway 9, and we wound up driving the entire stretch in the exact center of the road, since that was where the ditch was least likely to be.

Liz's parents had gotten a new kitten, so we had to take pictures. Good thing we have a high-speed camera, because we got some fearsome action shots of the little terror! Zoom!
Early January - Got a Sonicare electric toothbrush, on the advice of my dentist. That thing is amazing! I've never had an electric toothbrush before, and the few that I'd played with before weren't all that special. But this thing can shake the enamel off your teeth! In a good way! Highly recommended! But don't try to talk while you're using it, or you'll get toothpaste all over the bathroom.

Early January - Liz and I were watching TV when we got the craving for cookie dough ice cream. Liz went one better, and whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough from scratch. While most people would probably bake it into actual cookies, we just ate the whole thing out of the bowl with spoons. Liz is clearly the girl for me.

Mid-January - Liz got a new betta fish, to replace the one I let die when she first moved to Wisconsin. (Doh! Liz said it was really old and would have died anyway, but I still feel bad that it died on my watch.) The new one is cute. Liz named it "Sushi".

Mid-January - Discovered that the word "jewelry" is spelled as "jewellery" in the UK. Guess I should stop making fun of that book that I routinely see in Half Price Books with the word "Jewellery" in the title...

Mid-January - Things weren't going all that well at work. I didn't have enough to do, because there wasn't enough work coming in the door. It's never a good sign when you have to invent tasks to do to keep yourself busy at work. I really didn't mind all that much, until they scaled my salary back to be commensurate with the amount of billable work I was doing - that was the last straw.

So I went to monster.com and typed in "Patent Agent" in Minneapolis, MN. And much to my surprise, two openings showed up. One was at Crompton, Seager & Tufte. Why did that sound familiar? Hey! My friend Paul works there! So I called him up. The conversation went something like this: "Hey, Paul. You guys have a Patent Agent position posted on monster.com." "We do?? Let me ask around, and I'll get back to you." The next day, I had lunch with Paul. A few days after that, I had lunch with one of the partners. The next week, I went in for a more formal interview, where I wore the Interview Suit. You know, the suit that only gets worn for job interviews, and has been untouched for so long in the closet that it gets a ring of dust around the collar in the portion that isn't covered by the plastic wrap. 15 years and counting with that suit. (Thank you, Franklin's of Tucson!) Interview went very smoothly, they emailed me an offer, I OKed it via email (and cc'ed Liz), gave my two weeks notice later that day, and that was that.

It was the most relaxed job-hunt process that I've ever heard of, for anybody, ever since the very dawn of work itself. I spent the last day at Altera wheeling my books and artwork from my old office to my new office, which was at the other end of downtown. You can get from one to the other in the Minneapolis skyways, without ever going outside. And that's just what I did. It's a 30-minute walk from my old office (green dot) to my new office (red dot) in the skyways, with a cart full of books. It took three trips, one of them with artwork tucked under my arm.
The new office is at the very south end of the Minneapolis skyways. Literally, the end of the skyways - there's a sign on the building that reads, "Skyway Ends".

My last day of work at Altera was Friday, Feb 26. My first day of work at CS&T was Monday, Mar 1. People asked if I was going to take any time off between jobs. Time off from what? I felt like I hadn't done any real work in months, so vacation time was kinda pointless.

The new firm has about 10 attorneys and 4 other patent agents, making me agent number 5. This firm is considered "small", as opposed to Altera, which I would classify as "tiny". Most importantly, the new firm had too much work coming in, hence the job opening.

About 90% of my work is for two very large clients, which have used the firm for 15+ years. It's like there's an endless stream of work from these clients, which is really fabulous for me. It's SO nice knowing that when I get to work, there's stuff on my desk waiting to be done.

At the new firm, the partners are responsible for bringing in the work and making sure that there's enough of it to go around. The agents, like me, have no marketing duties or any responsibilities whatsoever regarding drumming up new business, which is a welcome change from the old firm. Turns out the rest of the world works on the assumption that the partners worry about bringing in the work, not the non-partners. And that's just fine by me, since I'm terrible at drumming up new business.

The new office is nicer than the old one. I'm eight floors up, instead of 17, and now I'm looking at the south end of downtown instead of down on the Metrodome.
And the transition into the new job has been completely effortless. I take the same bus to and from downtown, at the same times. I get off at the same stop as before, but to go home I get on at a different stop. Not much of a change at all. And I stay later downtown, because I'm actually working until 5:30.

Liz was thrilled about the new job. The little raise I got didn't hurt, but the most important thing to her was my job security. Here, I'm actually doing something useful instead of being another mouth to feed at Altera. I stayed at Altera six years to the day.

March - I came up with a real life physics problem, suitable for an undergrad mechanics class.

You're at the airport, you checked in a little late, and you have to get from security to the gate as fast as you can. The airport has a few moving sidewalks in certain places to help speed you along.

You walk at a constant velocity while on the sidewalk(s), and walk at the same speed on land (off the sidewalk).

You're in a hurry, but you're in lousy shape and you're bogged down with carry-on luggage, so you're allowed one burst of speed where you can run instead of walk. The burst of speed lasts only for a fixed duration, so that you can only run for, say, five seconds. The running duration and running speed are the same if you run on the moving sidewalk or if you run on land (off the sidewalk).

The question is this: In order to get to the gate the fastest, should you use your burst of speed while you're on the moving sidewalk, or while you're on land (off the sidewalk)? Or doesn't it matter?

And an analogous question: If you have to stop for five seconds to check to make sure you have your keys, should you stop while you're on the moving sidewalk, while you're on land (off the sidewalk), or doesn't it matter?

It's not a trick question. It has a real answer, which you can figure out with real math, but I can't figure out an intuitive way to explain the answer.

Think about it, make some sketches, do some math, and check out the real answer at the end of this Big Life Update.

March - For the first time in something like 150 years, Minneapolis got no snow at all in March. Freaky.

Early April - Liz had a few days off for Easter, so we visited her family in Ada. The new toy on the farm was an old road grader - a giant snowplow-like thing that you drive down a dirt road to make it smooth. It's a got a huge blade on it that you can control with something like 12 or 14 levers. That's a lot of control! Liz's brother, Eric, fired it up and drove me around on it for a few feet in the dirt behind the house. Best Toy Ever.

April - Kentucky Fried Chicken introduced their "Double Down" sandwich. It sounded like a joke - no bun, just two fried chicken breasts with bacon, cheese and some sauce inside.

Which means that somebody inside the KFC organization consciously decided that what was wrong with their sandwiches was THE BUN.

I had one, so you don't have to. I'll just write this one off as "taking one for the team". It's almost as bad as their "Famous Bowl" - mashed potatoes, corn, fried chicken bits, cheese, and gravy over the whole thing. I probably mentioned that our friend Janice dubbed that the "Bowl Of Crap". I don't think I'll be having another one of those.

April - At work, I encountered two of the most hilarious patents ever.

The first was an automotive patent, which used windpower to turn a propeller that recharges a battery. Clearly, not the product of a physicist. (It's the equivalent of bringing an electric fan onto your sailboat, and running the fan against the sail to make your boat go REALLY FAST. Just like in the cartoons.) That's the beauty of patents - they have to be novel and non-obvious, but they don't actually have to work.
The second was a published patent application (it didn't issue), also along the same lines as the windpowered car. Only this one was not written by a patent professional; aspiring inventors are allowed to write them up themselves, but the results are usually disastrous. The odds were really stacked against this one, in particular, and I heartily recommend reading it start to finish.
April - Was involved with a scheduling change at KFAI. Basically, our ratings/listenership numbers were dangerously low, with a falloff of about 50% since 2005. I'm a member of the program committee, so I helped put together a revised program grid that rearranged the shows and added a new morning show. After a brutal rollout process that ticked off the displaced morning show hosts and a sizable chunk of the volunteers, we finally voted on and passed the new grid. I'm proud of the new grid itself, but getting to that point sucked rocks. The whole process was completely draining for the volunteers, the staff, and members of the committee like myself. At a volunteer organization, communication is really important; you have to engage the volunteers at every stage to let them know what you're planning on doing and why, and get their feedback and suggestions. I think we came up seriously short on the communication end of things, and it was pretty hellacious. My term on the committee ends in December, and I'll be more than happy to turn over the reins to some new blood.

I think that the reality is that music programming on FM radio is dying, and is completely dead for younger listeners. I get the sense that young kids still like the thrill of new music, and still bring over their favorite songs to their friends' houses, but instead of a stack of 45s and albums like my childhood friends and I had, they bring over their iPods and plug in. I get the sense that they discover new music through friends and the internet, but not at all through FM radio. We are no longer the tastemakers, and haven't been in that role in years. Sad, really. I also think that in 10 years, the internet will be completely ubiquitous in car radios, and will kill off music on FM. There will still be FM stations around, but they'll be all talk - essentially what AM radio is now. Not encouraging for us FM radio guys...

I also think that in community radio, where at 41 I'm considered one of the younger music programmers, our audience is unsustainably old and isn't getting any younger. Basically, we volunteer programmers program our shows as if we were our own target audiences. So my target audience is me, plus or minus 10 years. There's nothing I can possibly play to attract a 20-year-old to the show. And I think that's the problem our station is facing - none of our music programmers are young. Plenty of older folks, but nobody I'd call youthful.

Late April - Realized that next month will mark 20 years since I graduated from college. I can't say I'm all too pleased about that. That means that most of the college students in the world, right now, weren't even born when I graduated from college. See? Pretty discouraging.

And one final thought - an ad from the early '80s:
Stay springy!
Ron & Liz

--
Are you ready for some physics?

Let's assign some parameters here.

The length of the moving sidewalk is X_sidewalk. (I apologize for my lack of subscripts...)
The length of the land (the non-sidewalk portion) is X_land.
The speed at which you walk is V_walk.
The speed at which you run is V_run.
The speed of the moving sidewalk is V_sidewalk.
The duration of your burst of speed is T_run.

The one physics equation we'll use repeatedly is X=VT, or length = velocity times time.

First, let's treat the uninteresting case, where we don't run at all, but walk on both the moving sidewalk and the land - no running at all.

The speed at which you're moving while walking on the moving sidewalk is (V_sidewalk + V_walk).
The total distance on the moving sidewalk is (X_sidewalk).
The time spent walking on the moving sidewalk is (X_sidewalk) / (V_sidewalk + V_walk).

The speed at which you're moving while walking on land is (V_walk).
The total distance on land is (X_land).
The time spent walking on land is (X_land) / (V_walk).

The total time spent on both moving sidewalk and land is:
(X_sidewalk) / (V_sidewalk + V_walk) + (X_land) / (V_walk).

That's not all that interesting by itself.

Next, let's treat the case where the burst of speed is on land:

The total time spent on the moving sidewalk is unchanged from the previous case, and is:
(X_sidewalk) / (V_sidewalk + V_walk).

The time spent running on land is (T_run).
The speed at which you're moving while running is (V_run).
The distance covered by the time spent running is (V_run) (T_run).
The total distance on land is (X_land).
The distance on land that you need to walk is (X_land) - (V_run)(T_run).
The speed at which you're moving while walking is (V_walk).
The time spent walking on land is [(X_land - (V_run)(T_run)] / (V_walk).
The total time spent on land is:
(T_run) + [(X_land - (V_run)(T_run)] / (V_walk).

The total time spent on both the moving sidewalk and land is:
(X_sidewalk) / (V_sidewalk + V_walk) + (T_run) + [(X_land - (V_run)(T_run)] / (V_walk).

The time saved by the burst of speed on land is, after algebra:
(T_run) ((V_run / V_walk) - 1)

Finally, let's treat the case where the burst of speed is on the moving sidewalk:

The time spent running on the moving sidewalk is (T_run).
The speed at which you're moving while running is (V_run + V_sidewalk).
The distance covered by the time spent running is (V_run + V_sidewalk)(T_run).
The total distance on the moving sidewalk is (X_sidewalk).
The distance on the moving sidewalk that you need to walk is (X-sidewalk) - (V_run + V_sidewalk)(T_run).
The speed at which you're moving while walking is (V_walk + V_sidewalk).
The time spent walking on the moving sidewalk is [(X-sidewalk) - (V_run + V_sidewalk)(T_run)] / (V_walk + V_sidewalk).
The total time spent on the moving sidewalk is:
(T_run) + [(X-sidewalk) - (V_run + V_sidewalk)(T_run)] / (V_walk + V_sidewalk).

The total time spent on land is unchanged from the first case, and is:
(X_land) / (V_walk).

The total time spent on both the moving sidewalk and land is:
(T_run) + [(X-sidewalk) - (V_run + V_sidewalk)(T_run)] / (V_walk + V_sidewalk) + (X_land) / (V_walk).

The time saved by the burst of speed on the moving sidewalk is, after algebra:
(T_run) [(V_run + V_sidewalk) / (V_walk + V_sidewalk) - 1]

Subtract: (time saved by burst of speed on land) - (time saved by burst of speed on moving sidewalk) is, after algebra:
(T_run) [(V_run - V_walk)(V_sidewalk)] / [(V_walk)(V_walk + V_sidewalk)]

Assuming you run faster than you walk, the above line is a positive number.

So, you'll get there faster if you use your burst of speed on land, rather than on the moving sidewalk.

We can check the above result by esnuring that it goes to zero in three limiting cases:
(1)T_run = 0, (2) V_run = V_walk, or (3) V_sidewalk = 0.
It does go to zero in each of these cases. All is well.

What about the case of V_run = 0? Physically, this means that instead of running, you need to stop dead in your tracks for a period of time, as if you were checking your pockets to make sure you have your keys. Should you stop on the moving sidewalk, or on the land?

Forcing V_run = 0 flips the sign of the above quantity. So, if you need to stop for a period of time to check your keys, you'll get there faster if you stop on the moving sidewalk, rather than on the land.

Off the top of my head, I can't think of any direct applications of all this in the real world, but it's an interesting undergrad-level exercise in physics.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Ron's Big Life Update - October 2009

For those that can’t afford Acupuncture, I propose a less expensive, and far less rigorous treatment: Approxipuncture. More painful, yet less effective, than Smooth Jazzercise. Cake-boxing? I thought you said kick-boxing! Also came up with another potential stage name, Dustin D’Wind, but couldn’t figure out how to work it into this incoherent introductory paragraph.

If a friend should ever call you up and ask, “Want to launch a rocket?”, the answer should be “Yes!” Our friend, Marie, got her husband, Kris, a giant inflatable Titan Blast Rocket for his birthday in September. It’s powered by water and air pressure – you pump it up until the little gauge reads in the target range, and squeeze a little ball to launch.



Yeah, it was pretty amazing. We got 9 or 10 decent launches in, with all of us taking turns squeezing the launch ball and running after it when it eventually returned to earth. Quite the perfect fall activity.

It’s been a good six months since the last Big Life Update in April, so some of the specifics have gotten a little hazy since then.

May 16th: 38° F in the morning. May 19th: 97° F in the afternoon. Yikes!

June 5 – The beloved radio trade publication, Radio & Records (R&R), published its last issue. Just another reminder that the Radio industry and the Records industry are far from healthy, and couldn’t sustain having two competing trade journals. No good news here…

June featured three consecutive road trips to the corners of the state.

June 6 – Drove up to Ada, MN for a wedding. One of Liz’s cousins got married. Normally I don’t comment on the work of other professionals, but the DJ from Fargo that they used was one of the worst I’ve ever seen. We were there no more than five minutes when I said to Liz, “I bet you $35 that he plays ‘Old Time Rock And Roll’.” If Liz had actually taken that bet (she didn’t), it would have been the easiest $35 I ever made. Aside from the endless stream of musical clichés he played, the worst aspect of the whole performance was that he seemed to think that he was part of the band, and gleefully added inappropriate percussion instruments to many of the songs. Tambourine, cowbell, you name it, all where they didn’t quite belong. Dare I say, TOO MUCH cowbell?

June 13 – Our yearly camping trip with friends was condensed down to a day trip to Lanesboro, MN. The rest of the group camped overnight, but Liz’s work/school schedule didn’t allow that much time off. We drove down with the bikes on the back of the car, ate, rode en masse to the pie shop in the next town, ate pie, rode back en masse, ate some more, and drove home. On the way home, we stopped at John Hardy’s in Rochester MN for barbeque. A terrific day, complete with pie and John Hardy’s. Life is very good indeed.

June 20 – Drove up to Duluth to visit one of Liz’s classmates. Coincidentally, it just happened to be the weekend of Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth, so we got to see the tail end of the race. We hung around the finish line for a while around the 7-hour mark, and applauded for some truly exhausted runners. Then we partook in the parties afterward, which included a concert from a really good disco/funk cover band. How do all these 20-somethings know all the words to songs that are older than they are?

We essentially used up all our summer travel in June, and stayed put for the rest of the summer.

July – Got fed up with Qwest, the provider for my land line phone. Too much static on the line, poor customer service, time for a change. So I dropped Qwest, dropped my basic cable TV from Comcast, picked up local phone service from Comcast, and had Comcast deliberately slow my internet connection down to the lowest (cheapest) level. I’m now saving a boatload of money every month, which is very nice indeed.

Because I dumped cable TV, I had to figure out how to best receive the over-the-air HD TV signals. Our TV is ancient, but works just fine for the room, so I got one of the converter boxes and bought an HD antenna. The signal was pretty weak, so I returned the antenna and bought a stronger antenna. Still too weak, so I returned that one and bought a monstrously huge powered antenna. Still too weak! At this point, I decided to experiment, so I attached the converter box to the coaxial cable that ran outside, so I could dink around with setting up an antenna outside. I was quite surprised to find that the bare coax cable, outside, with no proper antenna at all, gave me a better signal than anything I could set up inside the house. In hindsight, it’s obvious – the aluminum siding on my house is a giant cage, and there’s nothing I can do to get decent reception unless I go outside the cage. I wound up attaching an old FM dipole antenna to the outside of the house around one of the upstairs window frames, so it’s barely visible, and that has been working great. I returned the third and final expensive antenna with no questions asked and, ultimately, no money spent.

I’m glad I chose to buy the antennas at Ultimate Electronics, a small chain that’s completely dwarfed by Best Buy here in town. The staff at Ultimate was genuinely helpful (most unlike the Best Buy staff I’ve encountered over the years), and their return policy was very generous. After buying, then returning, three different antennas over the course of a weekend, I sent a letter to Ultimate Electronics headquarters, praising the staff of the Edina store. I didn’t end up buying anything from them for this project, but I will most assuredly start there first for my next project.

Mid-July – A bunch of my commercial radio friends were in town for The Conclave, a yearly conference here in Minneapolis. This year, I invited all of them down to KFAI to sit in on my show, and it was glorious chaos! Eight radio pros all sitting in with me, and one of them (Art Vuolo) professionally videotaping the whole thing! Art has been videotaping radio personalities for a good 30 years, and he has some amazing footage of literally every radio DJ you’ve ever heard of. He even had the home phone numbers of Casey Kasem and Ryan Seacrest with him, and those are just two random people that came up in the conversations! I’m honored that he chose to work his magic on “Crap From The Past”, and I now have an entry in the same library as many of my radio heroes! Hopefully, we can do it all again next year.

Early August – Threw a joint birthday party at the house for Liz and for our friend Marie. Combined, they turned 60 this summer, so this was a biggie.

Mid August – Bought a new mattress. Did not buy it from an actual store here in town, called Mattress Liquidators. That’s quite an unfortunate name for the store, since I would think that liquidation would be one of the reasons for getting a new mattress in the first place.

Mid-August – Played hooky from work and went with friends to Valleyfair, an amusement park in the southwest suburbs. Heather’s suggestion of stopping first for donuts was a really good idea, even though you’d think that being shaken and turned upside down would not be optimal for donuts. The day we picked turned out to be cold and rainy, which meant that we essentially had free reign of the park. We got soaked, but not having to wait in lines for anything more than made up for it. I will say that getting pelted by heavy rain on a 70 mile-per-hour roller coaster stings a bit, but what are you gonna do?

Liz and I can wholeheartedly endorse Valleyfair’s newest roller coaster, the Renegade. Unlike most roller coasters, the Renegade is made up almost entirely of short, tight turns. From the opening drop, the ride is really unexpected and is quite a different experience than the typical roller coaster ups and down basically along a single direction. The park expects this one to be a huge hit, and the serpentine waiting area that they set up for this ride seems to be far larger than for any other rides in the park.

We did not go on any of the water rides at the park, since we were already soaked to the bone from the rain. I think we tallied up 21 rides for the day.

Immediately after Valleyfair, we drove to the Costco in Eden Prairie. We plan on joining in November when our Sam’s Club membership expires, and this was our first time in one of the stores. It’s the same general idea as Sam’s, but the merchandise seems to be a tiny bit better quality, overall, and the employees seem to be happier to be there. And as a bonus, hard rain hitting the corrugated metal roof of the building may be the loudest sound you’ll ever hear.

August – Four (count ‘em, four!) sets of friends all closed on new houses here in town. Wow!

Late August – Liz began a clinical rotation in Neillsville, Wisconsin, which is about 2.5 hours away by car. During the week, she stays in a call room inside the hospital itself, which makes for a very easy commute to start her workday. The call rooms are a lot like dorm rooms, and Liz even has a little plastic crate to carry her toiletries to and from the bathroom down the hall. She’s been driving home about two out of every three weekends, so she gets to spend some time with me and the cats.

During her first week out there, her elderly fish died. He was a little blue betta that had far exceeded his expected lifetime, and unfortunately he expired on my watch. I’ve had better luck keeping the cats alive, for which Liz is extremely grateful.

She has a few more weeks in Neillsville, then transfers to much bigger Marshfield, Wisconsin, where she’ll be until the end of 2009. That’s a three hour drive each way. At least we’ll get to see each other on most weekends.

Early September – Went to the State Fair with Kris and Marie, and our friend Jill. The full food tally for us five, as compiled by Kris: 2 Foot Long Hot Dogs, 2 Deep Fried Snickers Bars, 2 Dole Whips, 1 Breakfast Pretzel (bacon and eggs baked in), Peaches and Something, 1 Cheese Curds, 1 Pronto Pup, 2 Cokes, 3 Strawberries and Cream, 4 Corn on the Cobs, 2 Cream Puffs, 1 Popcorn, 1 Root Beer, 1 Bucket of Sweet Martha’s Cookies, 3 Giant Pretzels, 1 Pork Sandwich, 1 Turkey Sandwich, and 2 More Pork Sandwiches.

Obviously, we ate a lot. To show you the ferocity of our consumption power, Kris took pictures of the Sweet Martha’s chocolate chip cookie bucket, before and after we got to it. The pictures were taken six minutes and 57 seconds apart.

On the way home from the Fair, Jill stopped at Culver’s for a cheeseburger, fries and a malt – now THAT’s a trooper!

September 9 – While the rest of the world rejoiced in the remastering and rerelease of the Beatles’ back catalog, I took a different approach on “Crap From The Past” by celebrating the genius of the Stars On 45. That’s right, the guys who hit #1 in 1981 with their imitation-of-the-Beatles medley.

Those of you that didn’t live through it can’t fully appreciate the impact that the Stars On 45 had back in their day. I had all the 45s and the albums, and I knew all the words to everything they ever recorded. Even the tribute records: “We love you Stars On 45/Oh yes we do!” Other kids might have been lured in by the Hooked On Classics guys (the bad boys of the medley world), but for me it was the squeaky-clean Stars On 45, all the way. To this day, they’ve done more for my appreciation of medleys of hit songs set to a thud/clap disco beat than any other group I know.

Just a few weeks ago, I was talking with a guy at the office, and he’d never heard the Stars On 45-album-with-some-songs-from-Revolver. Never heard Stars On 45-album-with-some-songs-from-Revolver?? So I sent him home with a copy of the album, with instructions to listen to ignore the dated production (distracting vocals-that-sound-like-the-Beatles in one channel and thud-clap instrumentation in the other channel), and just try to hear the music as simple medleys of pop songs, strung together with more wit and sophistication than had been ever done before. If he bites, I’ll introduce him to the mono mixes – the joyful strains of what I heard in my childhood on AM radio coming through the speaker in the middle of the dashboard of our 1979 Chevy Caprice.

Of course, the Stars On 45-mania eventually faded, and nowadays you just have to roll your eyes when you hear an oldster talk about how the Stars On 45 were all the rage back then, man. The hits have been played to the point of numbness on oldies radio, and the subsequent solo careers have tarnished the reputation of the band a bit (the guy-who-sounds-like-Ringo solo records, anyone?). But the music will live on forever.

September – Business at work picked up briefly. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time when a potential client called. I almost never get cold calls, and it just worked out that I had lots of technical expertise in the field that he needed, so he brought us on board for huge project that consumed almost every waking minute in September.

For the introductory meeting, he wanted me out in California the next day. So I took a local bus home from work right after lunch, threw one day’s worth of clothes in a knapsack, drove to the airport, ran up to the American Airlines counter and asked them, “How quick can you get me to Burbank?” One would think that I had a screenplay burning a hole in my pocket, and if I didn’t get it to the director in time, the whole deal with the studio might fall through…

I spent one full, exhausting, day with the client, breakfast-to-sushi, and headed home the next day. I did have my celebrity sighting at the Burbank airport on the way home. On the security line, there was a very attractive woman a few people ahead of me that looked a lot like actress Wendie Malick (the only worthwhile thing about “Just Shoot Me”). She was wearing a casual pink/purple sweater, jeans, and sunglasses. Not pretentious sunglasses, but normal-looking sunglasses that you’d use to keep the sun out of your eyes. It was pretty bright out there, after all. She was with another adult and a young teenage girl, and I overheard her talking a bit – she had this wonderful, deep voice, just like Wendie Malick. So since we were waiting in a line for security, where you had to show your ticket and driver’s license, I sneaked a peek at her license. Hey! It really was Wendie Malick! And that’s her real name, too!

Now I just assume that there’s an unwritten code of conduct out there that says that you’re not supposed to make a fuss when you see someone you recognize. “HEY! YOU’RE WENDIE MALICK!”, screamed at the top of one’s lungs, would probably be frowned upon. So I didn’t say anything. There’s no need to make someone uncomfortable, just because her job makes her easily recognizable. In case you were wondering, if you were to see her in the airport, she doesn’t come across as a Big Star or anything like that. She just looks, acts, and dresses like a normal person. An attractive one, to be sure, but one with normal social skills who laughs and jokes with her companions and with the airport security people.

Obviously, celebrity sightings are pretty rare in Minneapolis.

So the work itself for this project was good. For the first time that I can remember, I worked 12-hour days and weekends, and it was all billable. It calmed down in early October, we got everything filed before a particular critical date, and now I’m back to normal. But all I really remember about September is that I worked my tail off.

Early October – The Twins and Vikings momentarily made sports fans out of everyone in the entire city. The Vikings’ new quarterback, Brett Favre (you’ve heard of him?), beat the Green Bay Packers in their first face-off against his old team. Favre is now the only NFL player ever to beat every team in the entire league, which is pretty cool. And, after being out of first place from May onward, the Twins went on a rampage at the end of the season and snatched the division title from Detroit. Then, they got clobbered by the Yankees, which was expected.

I was in New York (more on this in a second) for the last two playoff games, where I silently rooted for the Twins. It’s a miracle that the Twins made it as far as they did. And it’s easy to see why they didn’t stand a chance against the Yankees, whose batboys probably earn more than the entire Twins franchise. After the Yankees finished off the Twins, the newspaper headlines in New York were all happy, reading something along the lines of “Yankees now off to destroy the Angels”. When I got back to Minnesota, the headlines here were all sad, sort of like “Twins last morsel of hope crushed by insolent Yankees”. Very amusing to me to see both perspectives on the same day.

Got a Kia Rio as a rental car for the New York visit. I asked the guy for the tiniest tin can they have. Ford Focus? Do you have anything smaller? Then the guy pointed at a little gray car waaaaaaaaaay at the end of the parking lot, which appeared to have never been touched by human hands. That’s a Kia Rio, you say? I’ll take it! For a tiny little tin can with no electric door locks and roll-up windows, it did just fine. It felt sturdier and handled better than all of the small American cars I’ve driven. I don’t think I’d actually own one, but I’d certainly rent one again.

While in New York, I got to see my friend Tracy, whom I know from my days in Rochester, and whom I hadn’t seen in about 12 years. Her parents were selling their house in Thiells, NY (at the north end of Rockland County), and she was paying them a last visit in NY before they move out to Seattle to be close to Tracy. Tracy got married around the same time that Liz and I got married, and she and her husband have a 15-month-old girl. What a coincidence that she and I were both going to be in NY at the same time!

We stopped by during an open house at Tracy’s parents’ house, and got to hang out with Tracy, her husband, her little girl, her parents, and some of her parents’ friends. It was a pretty delightful afternoon – they were all warm, funny people, and we laughed ourselves silly.

Tracy’s little girl, Olivia, insisted that I hold a particular piece of rolled-up cardboard. Don’t know why she chose me, but she had her mind made up. We experimented a bit by putting the cardboard down at different places on the floor in the living room next to different people, and each time she’d pick it up and carry it over to me. Once, while I was holding it, she walked by me, looked at the cardboard, looked up at me, and nodded her approval. Very nice!

At one point, they had to go change Olivia’s diaper. They apologized, and remarked that it was the third time today they had to call for a cleanup on aisle number two. This provoked a comment: “Third time today? It’s a retiree’s dream!” Later in the afternoon, for the fourth time, Olivia was dubbed the “miracle baby”.

Obviously, the whole visit was baby-centric, and there were many, many baby stories. At one point, Tracy and her mom were describing an encounter with a young mother and her rather unattractive baby. Tracy said that upon seeing this baby, she was completely speechless. Her mom felt like she had to say something, and made the save with the comment, “He’s such a BIG BOY!” Again, we laughed ourselves silly.

So why was I in New York? Because my brother, Kenny, got married. Sorry ladies, he’s now spoken for, and all of us Gerbers are now taken.

I learned that literally everyone outside of family calls him “Gerber”. Not “Ken”, “Kenny”, “Kenny G”, “Special K”, or anything that involves a first name. Just “Gerber”. Most of the bride’s extended family didn’t even know his first name. The wedding vows completely avoided his actual first name: “Do you, Gerber, take Maria…” So for the entire weekend, he was “Gerber” and I was “Gerber’s brother”. Liz’s was “Gerber’s sister in law”.

One of my responsibilities as Best Man was to give a toast at the reception. I whittled it down to be incredibly short, and I probably got it down to under 30 seconds. I told a story of how when Ken was 6, and I was 12, our aunt and uncle took us to a Chinese restaurant. I dared him to eat a spoonful of hot mustard, he replied ‘OH YEAH?’, took a big spoonful, then started crying. Afterward, he said he couldn’t taste anything for the rest of the meal, or the Carvel ice cream we had for dessert. I told Maria that the moral of the story was that she could get him to do anything she wanted, as long as she dared him.

Too bad I had to cut so much out of the toast, since the BETCHA CAN’T DO SOMETHING RIDICULOUS / OH YEAH? had, over the years, lead to Kenny eating a shot glass full of ground pepper, a hot dog that had been sent to him in the mail, a seven-pound can of chocolate pudding (over the course of one full day), and a taco that had been sitting in the roof liner of his ’83 Chevy Celebrity in the hot Oklahoma sun for three days. That last one gave him “a little case of the botch”. The Botch is truly one of my favorite stories, but it didn’t fit in the toast.

Wedding day went smoothly except for one significant glitch. At the very start of the day at the hotel, the photographer was getting shots of the groom, the best man, and the three groomsmen. We five guys did some posed shots in the hotel lobby and on the hotel grounds. The photographer thought it would be cool to get a mid-air action shot, and had us jump off a small stone ledge onto a grassy patch about two feet below. Normally, this would have been fine, but upon landing, one of the groomsmen, Randy, bonked his nose against the back of Ken’s head, and broke his nose. Yes, Randy broke his nose during the first batch of pictures for the wedding day.

We got paper towels and ice pretty quickly from the hotel staff, so we were able to control the bleeding and swelling. At that point, we were a little unsure what to do, so we piled us five guys in the Hummer limo (as was planned) and drove to the church. The limo dropped us five guys off at the church, then went back to retrieve the ladies (also as was planned).

We were at the church maybe a half hour, with Randy reclined in the passenger’s seat of someone’s car with ice on his nose, and the other four of us trying to stay calm. Guests and family started showing up at the church, well before the limo returned with the bride and ladies in the wedding party. As fate would have it, the husband of one of the bride’s cousins was an ear/nose/throat surgeon. That’s right, Rob was an ENT specialist and was at the church with the rest of us.

We brought him over to Randy, and he said he could reset Randy’s nose if he had something shaped like a butter knife. Well, the four of us had just been wandering around the church, including their kitchenette! Hey, we knew where there was a butter knife! I ran to the kitchenette, wrapped a flatware knife in a paper towel so I wouldn’t call too much attention to it, and delivered it to Rob, who said the blunt end would work just fine. He then told Randy there would be a quick moment of pain, and that it would subside quickly. I then walked away, not really wanting to see Rob reset Randy’s nose right there in the passenger’s seat of the car. It took just a few seconds, apparently, and was captured on video on Pete’s cell phone. Good as new! Or at least it looked that way from the outside. We loaded Randy up with ibuprofen, and he made it through the rest of the day just fine. Rob said that Randy should get it looked at in a few days, and probably wouldn’t need anything else done to get it to heal properly. They say that if you break your nose, the quicker you get it set, the easier it is to heal. This was set within an hour or two, which is pretty ideal. I can’t imagine any better coincidence for Randy than having an ear/nose/throat surgeon as one of the guests.

And then, after all this was done, the ladies showed up at the church, and the wedding ceremony went on as scheduled. Now THAT’s an unusual chain of events for a wedding...

At the reception, the food was good, and the band was tight. The food was cocktail-style, with a bunch of themed tables set up around the perimeter of the room. Much more interesting than the usual course-after-course wedding reception meal.

I got a chance to catch up with my cousins, Heidi and Beth, who I hadn’t seen since Grandma’s 98th birthday party earlier in the year. And with Aunt Amy and Uncle Arthur, who were the ones who had taken Kenny and me to that particular Chinese restaurant from the toast. Grandma made it to the wedding, too, and we’ll be gathering in DC for her 99th birthday party in January! Ken and Maria are taking a few days to visit some wineries out on Long Island, then the thank-you notes, and then back to normal.

Yeah, once you’ve been to a wedding where one of the groomsmen breaks his nose and has it reset before the ceremony, without any delays to the proceedings, the day-to-day tasks at work can seem a little mundane. That’s what I’m going through now.

I have a wedding in town to DJ on Halloween, and I’m bringing a butter knife just in case.

Stay warm!
Ron & Liz Gerber